Day 73: Time spent but not wasted

Or is it?

It’s been two weeks since I wrote and I think it has been almost a month that I’ve been struggling to be deviation free. There were days that I was good but yet I failed in the evenings and there were other days that I wasn’t on plan at all, whether it’s not eating at all then having whatever is available to totally eating out of plan.

Anyway, today marks the first day of being deviation free. I thought of continuing the number of days because this time I think I’m just going to go ahead with it, than “starting over” on e-paper (mind tricks eh?).

I mostly occupy my free time (morning and evening drives) listening to a book called the Values Factor by John Demartini. Very insightful, a lot of aha moments, and a lot of work in order to get your values and priorities sorted and aligned in all aspects. I’m just listening to it, I haven’t done all exercises, because this will need some time. It’s like a proper course! :D But given that I haven’t done any of the work yet, I have learned so much already.

I don’t know what else to say. I have wasted my time in terms of reaching goal, but not really much so. I had a life going on – meeting with friends, going out with my bf, networking. It’s not all bad. It is bad for Cohen goal but I have to see the positives of it than beating myself up over it. I’m tired of that.

Today wasn’t particularly easy, I was craving for chocolates like anything. I don’t understand it. I had to google why and it all has to do with the rewards mechanism that we have in our brains, as eating delicious chocolates that releases the happy hormone dopamine. I also found out that we didn’t have to learn to like chocolates, as soon as our brain recognizes the benefit, it acquires that automatically and the brain gets hardwired to it. Phew.

Next, I googled how to beat the chocolate cravings. Tons of advice – i.e. eat a healthy sweet like fruits, talk a walk and then see if you still want one, negotiate with yourself, have a few squares (hah! We all know how’s that going to go), switch to dark. Thing is, I know all of these, but I still have chocolates in my mind. I’m not craving for anything sweet, I am particularly looking for chocolates. I don’t know what kept me going, but I survived today.

I started with Pilates too. I had my first class yesterday (Reformer Core), I liked it. I was booked for the same today but I missed it as I have to work late, and I took the Pilates SQ, it’s a step higher than the basic one to which I did fairly well, the instructor said so, that for a beginner, I was good. I like Pilates. I 've always wanted to do it for as long as I can remember, the proper ones, but it was just way too expensive for me (it still is). I have 5 trial class which the cost works ok for me, that’s why I went for it.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now and tomorrow I will brave a reconciliation with Wilma (my online consultant).

Day 73: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance. Vits taken, no DC

Mood = ok

Hunger = craving for chocolate, but not hungry for food.

Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

Day 45: Deviation

Slept like a log. I woke up feeling that I have slept soooo well. It feels good. Woke up in time for me to make it to my doc appointment. The ENT doc sent me for a hearing test and everything almost normal. Its just that my left ear, it cant hear 1 frequency and the nerves need time to recuperate.

 

Nothing major. She gave me vit b-complex to help and advised to stop the centrum for a week while I take this. I informed my consultant about it. Hopefully it heals up soon. I have another appointment with her after 10days.

 

Got feedback from the clinic that Dr. Cohen is happy with my  lood test and that I should continue with my plan. Why do I feel like somethings not right here? Am I basing it in the slow weight loss not and comparing it to the last time? Ive got other things on my side then, age and the fact that I was fresh off from the gym so maybe that helped me with the calorie burn. Dont know...

 

I plan to use my remaining days to relax anyway so that includes my ears too. Did almost nothing today.

 

Was really craving and my tummy hurt. I started eating provitas and it all snowballed from there. Just dinner time onwards. Disapointing. Very bloated.

 

I need to reign this in and I need to keep myself busy.

 

Day 45: deviation. All allowances taken.
Mood = ok
Hunger = yes. Probably because im not busy

Day 43-44: Going through the motions

My 9 day off has started and I think Im doing pretty well in 'squandering' it :D

 

Day 43: Went to see a GP (just coz I cant get an appointment with the ENT) because my left ear still feels blocked from that clubbing night I went to 2 thursdays ago! GP said I should book an appointment with an ENT doc to get ears cleaned and properly checked bec from her point of view nothing really wrong. Got an appointment on Day 45 morning.

 

Nothing much today, just did that, watched tv, ate all meals on time. I just had mangoes today for fruits hmmm.. love them mangoes.

 

Day 43: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = ok5
Hunger = none

 

Day 44: I scheduled a spa day for me and the bf as my treat for having a new job. I have a buy1 get1 voucher for this place so it didnt really coat me as much. We had access to the pool, gym and other spa facilities followed by a 90min massage. We started the day late, so we reached at noon and it was too hot to be on the pool. So plan b was we started the massage early and then movies afterwards.

My masaage was great! I tried not to sleep but i kept dozing off. I cant say the same for my bf, he said his therapist was average. He said at one point I was snoring!!! :D

 

But after the massage, I was so hungry. This is typical of me, i really am hungry after a massage. I ate my lunch but still hungry and craving! I almost gave in to the caramel popcorn.. i really did want to have it. But I just kept telling myself of the effort I've put into this and I didnt have any.

Braai night. I had a portion of bf's t-bone a bit over allowance. I was so hungry I didnt even check the time. I ate my dinner after 4 hours from my last meal! I thought it was 9pm. I already had food in my mouth when I checked the time! So I just kept eating. Deviation right there. I had 3 DCs today too.

 

Talk about getting by.

 

Day 44: deviation- less than 5hrs between meals. 1 fruit under allowance
Mood = relaxed. Good
Hunger = really hungry and craving

Day 42: The very long weekend has arrived!

And along with it, my last day here with my temp boss! Whooohooo! Well I still have to sit here in this department until next week but that will just be on Wed - Thurs. Then Im off to my actual office location :)

I have 9 days off! whoohoo and I have absolutely no plan. Well not absolutely but nothing like a holiday planned. Just gonna chill at home, be relaxed, do nothing, read, yoga, beach, massage, home scrubs, clean, sit, do nothing! :D

Shopped for tuna and some veggies for a change. Feeling bored with chicken, beef and spinach. Both myself that philadelphia fat free cream cheese just to try. It will be the first time that I will have cheese since I started.

Indulged a bit today. Had a full mango for dinner and had mayo for the 1st time. 

Day 42: deviation free. All allowances taken. Out of vits

Mood = good

Hunger = a bit
 

Day 40-41: Stressed

I feel really stressed for the past few days, I can feel it in my gut. Acidic. Or am I having too much coffee? I only have 1 really black coffee in a day on an empty stomach. I used to drink more.

 

The work load is coming, and I am foreseeing that I will soon feel that I'm not being paid enough for this. I have no problem with the workload, its fine, but the people, so toxic, not only my temp boss, but from others as well. I guess they are stressed too.

 

I need to find a way to relax myself. I want to stay positive and optimistic. I want these qualities to prevail over others. I don't want to be one of those people who are stressed, overworked and becomes a bitch. Because it tires you out. I feel tired after being angry or mean at people on a continuous basis.

 

Is this why the scale is not moving? Nah. Its been 2 weeks since Im in the 71kg area. I already asked my consultant about this. Im really getting fed up.

 

I cant wait for the long weekend. I want to switch off or just be at home and be quiet and maybe meet with a few friends on one of those days. But for my benefit, I will also try to work so that Im not left behind nor bogged down with emails when we are all back. These people work non-stop.

Other than that, same old same old. Same food, same routine, same thing about no movement in the scales. Im tired of it. Woke up this morning not wanting to weigh anymore because I keep seeing the same frustrating number.

Not going to check the scales anymore.

Day 40-41: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = im ok, just workload makes me moody
Hunger = none.

 

Day 39: More old clothes to wear!

Did she really say that?

I'm finding more clothes that fit me better in my closet! :D Too bad I remove tags out because they annoy me, because now, I don't know what size I'm wearing. Work slacks, almost all are loose me. I think its just a matter of days before they wont look good on me anymore.

I was driving to work and I can feel that the blouse I was wearing that I could barely fit into a month before, was fitting me nicely. No struggle or squished parts. It felt nice and I was thinking about how good it is to feel this way. To feel like your in the top of your game (nutrition-wise), that you feel more comfortable about your body and that finally, you cant complain about this anymore!!!!! :D

In other news, I think I'm going to have a 10 day holiday for Eid and I'm just contemplating if I should travel or not. I don't want to waste that time by doing nothing and staying here, but at the same time, I don't want to possibly risk losing momentum. The best thing to do is stay and avoid the risk of spiraling out of control. I will have the same holidays next year. But the effort I've put in, its too much to lose. Hmmmm..

Again, the scale sucks. I don't want to look at it anymore :'(

Submitted my 2nd blood test today. Let's see what Wilma will say about that.

Nothing to report much. Same old. Still no announcement for our holidays. Worked so late that I was able to eat at 11pm.

Day 39: dinner at 11. all allowances taken. vits too.

Mood = ok

Hunger = none

Day 38: Bothered

I still don't get it. Why is my weight fluctuating? Its just playing between the same weight for 4days? I feel that am dropping size though. Its just that this programme measures your success predominantly on weight loss and that's really bothersome.

I know Im not supposed to weigh everyday, but I need that boost to know that hey, Im doing something right. But from the looks of it, Im doing something wrong? Could be my scale has a problem? But I tried it in 3 different locations in the house, its fine. I don't know. I live in a "container", you know those portacabins, so maybe our flooring is not level?

It feels so odd, that I see the difference in size yet the weight is really not going south.

Bothered.

I can feel like this and still have to continue with it. There's no way to go about it. I have set a goal and at this rate, Im not going to make it on time. I'm aware my body will lose what it needs to lose at its own time. But it has to happen by end of November (refeed), otherwise I stand a huge risk of falling off due to the holidays, and again not finishing this. Scares the shiz out of me.

Well enough of that. Need to shift focus.

Long weekend is coming up! whoop whoop! and Im not going anywhere, not travelling, no staycations, just at home. I don't want to spend and I don't want to break my diet. I can travel next year. I miss travelling though :( really bad. 

Today was pretty stressful. Boss was just in a seriously foul mood today, I tried to steee clear of her. Felt that acidity in my tummy that you get when you are stressed. I refuse to accept its too much coffee.

Day 38: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance

Mood = so-so. Did not sleep well yesterday

Hunger = none. Just looked forward to a mango for dinner.

Day 37: Im Zoning!

Today is another good day. I love saying that! :D I met with my previous colleagues from my first job here. We were a small team and after 2 years, we are all working in different companies. And with the looks of it, we are all in a good place now (work-wise). It was a lovely time. It was breakfast and they ordered nice stuff and dessert!(brownies and vanilla ice cream! My soul!) Im a breakfast person, I think its my favorite meal outside. I really eat loads of breakfast items - eggs, pancakes, sausages, bacon (heaps!!!), bread and butter.. its my favorite meal out (did i say that?) :D But anyway, I just had 2 cups of black coffee and enjoyed the chat.

 

1 lady there, i worked with her until my recent move and as we walked out the venue I told her Im back on this diet. She saw me struggle to get back on so many times before and I told her now this time it was different. And I just blurted out "It feels so so good!" She was like, "Really?" "Its not just the weightloss part but I do really feel good somehow." And then she continued to mention that my weightloss is noticeable and that I really look nice at this size, looking happy and healthy. Told her that I also dont feel hungry most of the time now. Just missing taste of the food that I used to eat, but hunger wise, none.

 

Food is our medicine right? Do people really pay for medication to achieve this good emotional state that Im experiencing now? I hope more people knew about this!

 

The change with the scale is still slow, but Im really dropping in size. I wore a 3/4 khaki pants today and it was lose on me. And Ive had this since 2004! Imagine that!? Love it

 

I think this is one of the reasons why I kept trying to get back on the bus in spite of the many failures and dissapointments. Because I have experienced the other benefits aside from weightloss. I cant put a price on the "feeling good" feeling. I feel positive and just light. Amazing what food can do to our overall well-being.

 

Afterwards went out for movies with bf and thr popcorn doesnt bother me anymore. Later, we did some major grocery shopping (the rotisserie chicken smell was drool worthy!). Was tired from walking around. Im ready for this week with my proteins, veggies and fruits.

 

Saturday, rugby night. Wanted to braai but we were both tired. So had my dinner on time.. a PAM stir-fry of everything! :D

 

Day 37: deviation free. All allowances taken
Mood = Good good..
Hunger = None

Day 35-36: Feeling good

Oh my goodness what a week. Really hectic at work. Im learning a lot on the field I want to be in but I have to think this through.

Im really fascinated about my temp boss. Why is she like the way she is and how did she become that way? She is brilliant and at the same time toxic. Is she really all what I think she is? Nevertheless I could learn more than thing or 2 from her. I still cant wait to start with my actual boss, Im sure that will be a challenge as well.

Went to the club after work. I havent been in ages! Had my dinner and ate that and just had DC in the club. I was partially deaf when I left that place. Im too old for that shiz.

Slept a lot on Day 36. I didnt feel hungry at all the whole day. I felt eating was a task that and I could have gone more than 5 hours without a meal. I just wanted to sleep.

All is well and I think Im back in the Zone.

Day 35-36: deviation free. Fruit under allowance. Didnt take my vits on both days because I forgot them
Mood=good
Hunger=none

Day 33-34: Weightloss: Men vs. Females :D

Im back in the game folks. I have totally cleared that deviation out of my system and all the havoc that TOM brought with it. Its quite fascinating actually, how are bodies change during our cycle.

 

I had a an argument about this with my bf. Well, he started it!!

 

He said that women always claim that guys lose weight faster than women and he argues that its not because of the gender, its because women succumb more to our cravings easier than they do. We cant also say that its because of the level of activity because there are men who are also sedentary. Its just the will of the person and that we (women), always blame it on hormones!

 

And I lost it :D jeezus. I explained to him that because there is a certain time of the month when our cravings are more/higher to the point of unreasonable. For the rest of the months we are good, we can beat the cravings, but there is that 1 week wherein it is much more tougher for us to resist our cravings. Its like our body needs it, right?

 

I cant explain to him that our bodies undergo stress during that PMS period or TOM, Im not a doctor, but I think our strong cravings or hunger then is a result of this stress. The body wants comfort through food. Still he kept on arguing and then I said:

 

"NO PERIOD. NO OPINION. SO YOU SHUSH!" "You cannot understand because you don't have to endure that every single month!"

 

Then he shut up. hahaha.. Its like being kicked in the nuts, we don't know how painful it is because we don't have them.. same as giving birth, they don't know, and they never will.

 

In other news, I recorded my weight loss on my online CD account and Im going to do my blood test tomorrow. Yikes.. lets see what they will say about that.

 

Day 33-34: deviation free.

Mood = tired and sleepy, but Im ok

Hunger = only when I watch Chopped! :D

Day 32: Sleep, Food for the Soul, and a Bad Day

Make that sleepy and tired!

I need more sleep! Woke up yesterday and today feeling as if I could sleep more even though I went to bed the same time. I don't feel foggy headed per se but I have a feeling that I would feel much better if I had an extra hour or 2 of sleep. My sleep tracker has been showing me better sleep quality but today I was just feeling super tired!

My official start date was 1 Aug, so Im expecting the official weigh in on the morning of 1st and will get a recommendation for another blood test. Hmmm.. wonder what Wilma (my online consultant) will say about that.

Felt pretty bored today too. Didn't have much to do and I want to read a book instead of eating. There's an absence of hunger too (ref back to my Not Hungry post). Given that, I did a lot of mistakes at work that can make my temp boss explode with anger due to her short temper. But what can she do? Nothing but understand. She at least asked me if everything was ok.

Also, since I was bored, tired, and feeling crap for doing mistakes at work, I immediately craved for something sweet to eat or something good, like bread or chips or ice cream! But of course I did not give in as I recognize this behavior as something that has nothing to do with hunger or the need to feed. Its just what I call 'food for the soul' which I don't need to give in right now. Its not worth it.

My clothes are definitely looser and no longer snug on me. I like :) But thinking that I have at least 14kgs to lose makes me feel like the end is sooo very far away. And I don't know how re-invent my meals, since I only salt and pepper as condiments.

Reached home at 9 so ate my dinner at 9:30. I had to go buy some proteins as I realized I was out. After dinner, watched an episode of Chopped then sat outside to read a bit but I couldn't keep my eyes open and went to bed at 11.

Day 32: deviation free. All allowances taken.

Mood = not so good

Hunger = none. Craving, yes.

Day 31: After 30 days

Lost 5.5kg in 30 days! I will do my Chandler dance later.

I haven't really measured myself. I have my official 30 days with the online program at the end of the month. So I will measure on the 1st Sept and start things off there.

Im still glad for my weight loss in spite of the difficulties within that 30 days and I just cant wait for the losses that I will incur. I hope this round will not be as frustrating as the last.

Couldn't eat on time (again!) late breakfast, late lunch and late dinner. Maybe I should set this as my normal meal times. Its been like this for almost a month.

Nothing much to report. I think Im over that phase of frustration.

Day 31: deviation free. 1 fruit under allowance.
Mood = good, energized, jumpy like I had too much coffee
Hunger = none. 0.

Day 28-30: All in a roll weekend

I had a really good weekend with friends. We did nothing as planned but we still ended up having fun anyway. I am amazed on how good I was in the face of all the temptations that I could have succumbed to during our time together. Slept late on all nights. Hmmm... but TOM is almost done and Im hoping for the normal state of things.. please!

 

I need my peace of mind.

 

 

Day 28:

 

Nothing to report about work, same old grind. Didn't really feel hungry during the day but lower tummy was so bloated. Met my friends in the evening and  felt like we went around the world in just one night:

 

Irish pub - after work, we headed down to the pub beside our workplace (theirs and mine which falls in between our buildings :D). they had a few beers, chips and cheesy bread! nyum! chatted the night away and I had my dinner at 8:30. Ordered 2 DC's throughout.

 

Lush - then when we were done eating and drinking we went to Lush to try on some of their stuff and I ended up buying items for me which I think were really good. Let's see over the next weeks.

 

Waitrose - was so thirsty but so stingy that we wanted to buy water from the grocery and not from anywhere else :D so we went and I bought me some spinach and mushrooms.

 

Mexican restaurant - its almost 12 mn and they wanted to try the guacamole that was made in front of you. The restaurant prepares your guacamole fresh and they ordered nachos with it. I sat there looking and chatting with them! I would have loved to try it, but I figured the restaurant will still be there by the time I finish with Refeed and maybe I will try it then.

 

Reached home at almost 2am! They placed their beers in the freezer and we sat outside still chatting.. We wrapped up at 4am!! :D

 

Day 28: deviation free, yet slept so late. 1 fruit under allowance

Mood = good but body is heavy

Hunger = none

 

Day 29:

 

Due to the very late night, well we woke up at 10:30am! I had to rush to make my veggies so I can still maintain the last meal at 9am. We didn't know what to do so I told them about coffee scrubs. I keep my used coffee grounds for such scrubs and since I don't have the patience to do it regularly, I have more than enough to scrub all of us. I heard its good for your cellulite and all. Just mix used coffee grounds + VCO + honey. So that's what we did, we took turns, like a spa day at home :D And of course we tried our Lush products and testers too. I liked everything I got so far.

 

Spent some time lounging around watching Chopped or Hotel Impossible. Lunch at 4, then we went to the mall where you can find everything! Cheap shopping.. Dropped them around past 7 and I went for a spit braai.

 

The braai was for my bf and his colleagues and I was invited too. I didn't have anything but my food. I ate at 9 at home and went back to the braai and had shisha, chat and good laughs. Went home at 12:30am. Slept around 1am.

 

Day 29: deviation free, slept late again. 1 fruit under allowance

Mood = good, TOM had started to flow.

Hunger = nah. its all good.

 

Day 30:

 

Lazy day. I missed my appointment at the pilates place. :/ We started late and went to collect the last 2 kitchen chairs that I had re-upholstered and looked at cars (Dodge, GMC, Chevrolet) Bf had to check some cars for work. I miss my dodge... hmmm.. Ate lunch around 4:30 in the car. Home at 8 and I read a book outside, weather was nice. But at 10, boom! humidity! just like that.. don't know what's wrong, but I guess weather is changing soon.

 

Day 30: deviation free, 1 fruit under allowance.

Mood = good but tired

Hunger = none. Only when I watch Chopped :D

 

 

Day 27: This is getting ridiculous!

Hold on, this is really getting into my nerves. I woke up today and boom up 600gms?!??! what the fuck?! If its my freaking period, holy mother of whatnot why this torture>!>!!?!?!??!?!?!?

 

I woke up with the resolve that Im going to get to the bottom of this today. What the hell am I doing wrong!?!? Im just not breaking past 73kgs and its almost 2 weeks since my cheat day! 

Been going over it and maybe these are the reasons (?) aside from the cheat day on day 15:

 

1. Meal timings: 5 hour gaps kept but eating late (past 9)

 

2. Food scale: could it be? Seems like its working fine to me. How can I check it?

 

3. Weighing scale: I thought something was wrong with my scale, but I've proven that it is perfectly working (discussed below - taking proper measurements)

 

4. Coffee grounds: I got mine from Spain in May from a coffee shop (per the gram) in Las Rambla. could it?

 

5. Fruits: I'm eating one fruit under allowance, could it be? but fruits are optional right?

 

6. Water: am I drinking enough water? I don't really notice anymore

 

7. TOM: or my period is just putting everything out of whack?!?!?

 

7. Stress: at work, really? I have been under worse stress before. Maybe my body is undergoing stress during the PMS and TOM plus changes at work. I haven't been sleeping well the past few days.

 

So now.. RINSE and REPEAT!

 

1. Pre-cook a few day's meals - this time around, I cook my meals per day in the morning. Maybe the rush cooking stresses me out? Or makes me overlook some things in food measurements?

 

2. Having my crackers one at a time - maximum allowed at one go is 2 crackers which I do now per meal. It satisfies me, but maybe it doesn't work?

 

3. Eat all my allowances - hmmmm...

 

4. Eat my dinner at 9pm max - which means I have to eat my lunch and breakfast on time as well to keep the 5hour gap

 

5. Reduce stress, improve sleep - make time for YOGA (again). 

 

6. Take proper measurements - since I was doubtful of my weighing scale this morning, I decided to go for a Body Composition Analysis test this morning. So I woke up, didn't take any water or any food so I can do this right. I went there at 9am and I got my results.. WAAAAAHHHHH! My scale is right, I was hoping that it was giving me a wrong figure hahahaha..

 

7. Coffee - stick with the brand I know

 

8. Mix up portions - I just stick to the same servings and same proteins and carbs.. Maybe my body needs a change

 

So now that I have that report, I know where I stand now. I've really let my fitness go. How do I know that based on a piece of paper? I will discuss in a separate post, I'm going to take my body measurements again tomorrow (as detailed as I have been, if you want to have an idea, check my post here). This is still not as detailed as I have it, will do it on my next post.

 

Whew, so there, I've let my obsessive whatever run through.

 

Today was just ok, I am on time and on plan. A bit rushing through the day, but I'm good.

 

Maybe I should stop stressing about this.. :D

 

Day 27: deviation free, all allowances taken, vitamins too, more water today

Mood = ok. a bit stressed out with this scale thing

Hunger = none

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 26: The Role of Food in Our Lives: Catch 22

So here's the thing, I've been racking my brains on what to do on a scorching weekend in this country and it is so difficult to find anything that does not involve food!

a) Activities (outdoor) - forget about it! not in this weather

b) Staycations - yes, there are a lot of summer offers and yet you still have to eat or you would want to eat. Somehow it just doesn't feel right if you don't enjoy the buffet breakfast. Mind you, the hotels in this country are far more superior in service, food offering and rooms than in Europe as per my experience. We are just spoiled here.

c) Staying at home - and doing what?? We cant even have like a special dish for the day that we both can share. I will have my CD food and he will have his Banting food.

Food is and has not been for nourishment only. It is also a social thing. It brings people together, creates experiences that eventually create memories. It is a good thing (most of the time). You want to try a new cuisine, its so easy, just go there - sit - order - eat - have nice conversations - pay and go! You have spent your time with the people you want to spend it with and enjoyed. You go to a friend's house to hang-out, you eat, chat and be merry. You go for a movie - popcorn and nachos.

We have a lot of options here, Dubai is mix of nationalities and authentic cultures that trickles down to food. You want Indian food (from Kerala, Goa, Mumbai etc)? You got it cooked fresh for you. Arabic food? No problem -, Lebanese, Egyptian, local food right along Sheikh Zayed. Japanese food? yes and can get it delivered too. Persian? Afghani? Thai? Russian? Tunisian (oh my brik.. I love brik!)? Sri Lankan? Mexican? Catalan???

So many food options!!

Im seriously boggled about this and somehow I feel deprived. BUT I also feel like really? There's nothing else that can occupy my time aside from eating?! Sad reality eh?

If you are on this course of eating healthy, you have to be extremely cautious, aware and resilient. It is a task being healthy!

However, when I see old people back at home, those who really didn't care much for the food that they ate nor have they been conscious about their fitness, well, they are experiencing aches and pains that could have only been because of old age, which could have been prevented or lessened if they have done the investment at an early stage.

When I used to workout a lot, I was thinking of how my muscles (maintaining them) will not only help me now but also as I age. I will not look as physically fit then but I'm sure I will feel the benefits of the muscle support to my bones, my posture, as long as I don't overdo it.

Same thing with food. I've heard/read that the cancers that we have are partly caused by our diet. We don't really anything natural anymore. The speed that our lives are going made us susceptible to convenient(fast) eating, and the healthy stuff, well they cost more!! Poverty alleviation is an ongoing cause which I don't see any end to.

In other news, feeling so bloated today. Phew! Felt so bored too even though I've got work. I just want the weekend to come!

I don't really feel anything odd nor significant to say about the diet at the moment. Its still the same old thing, the scale is not being cooperative. Its so easy to give up like 'chuck it! Im gonna eat whatnot!' But Im just holding on. Im looking forward to the end result that I desire. Talk about relentless.

Day 26: deviation free. All meals taken on time, all allowances consumed. Vits too.
Mood = heavy. Discouraged.
Hunger = none. craving still.

Day 25: Still suffering

Im writing this so that everyone who ever reads this blog would know:

DEVIATIONS FOR WHATEVER REASON,

WILL COST YOU.

 

DELAY. FRUSTRATION. DISBELIEF.

 

 

I hope its just my upcoming TOM that's causing the freak that's happening every morning as I step on the scale and the combined restless nights (cant sleep properly). This is getting really annoying. Its like, you work hard, be good, and don't see the effect that you expect. Just 1 major slip...

 

So to all the Cohenites out there, be warned. No, really. Its not like the "I know someone who knows someone who experienced this.." that the actual story gets misconstrued. This is for REAL. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. When Dr. Cohen said that a deviation will cost you a week, that is not an empty threat.

 

Consider this my gift to you.

 

I may say that I have accepted the consequence but it is a bitter pill to swallow, and yet Im still not sorry. I just wish my body will cooperate soon!!!!!

 

Day 25: deviation free, meals taken on time, 1 fruit under allowace. vitamins too

Mood = tame (tamer than yesterday! :D)

Hunger = none. Cravings, yes

 



Day 24: Hormones..

Hormones. Flying hormones. Hormones everywhere!

Jeez. Woke up today feeling like meh. I didn't sleep well, kept tossing and turning. The scale moved up big time (I looked even though I said I wouldn't, so bite me.). Woke up with mild lower tummy pain that did not go throughout the day. I look like I haven't lost anything. Just... argh!

 

Im snappy, i cannot eat my sweets or anything else thats not on the plan.

#beastmode

Arrrghhh and thats all i can say about that.

Day 24: deviation free. All fruits taken. Vits too

Mood= dont mess with me today

Hunger=none. But cravings..yes!

Day 22 -23: Successfully on the Bus

I survived post deviation! Its been a week now that Im on plan (just that my meal timings are off and not ideal) but I was able to successfully manage getting back on the bus (straight) after my deviation.

 

I've been asked if it was worth it. In no way deviations are ok nor worth it, but we also have to live for the moment(s), and its a judgment call I made, which I am still paying for with almost no losses (scale-wise) as of this day.

 

But that's the end goal right? Being able to exert control? Once the diet is done, we should all be able to control ourselves, give in to tiny pleasures but make sure not to spiral out of control.

 

To celebrate my mini-victory, I had a mango on Day 23. Had 1 cheek for breakfast and the rest for lunch. I have been putting arugula on my greens and it is bitter! But with the addition of sliced mangoes on it counteracted the bitterness.

 

Day 22- > visited a friend at the hospital and had a good chat. Her pregnancy is not going well, like really not well that it had to be naturally aborted. They weren't expecting it and it is causing her a lot of pain.

 

Afterwards, bf and I went to check a place where he/we can play squash and swim. We are thinking about it. Headed out to watch a late night movie, bf had a popcorn. Its ok.

 

Day 22: deviation free. Meals taken on time, vitamins too

Mood = good, coz I saw my friend, but I am pms-ing

Hunger = not really

 

Day 23 -> went to watch a movie with friends. bf had a popcorn, its alright. smelled really nice though. Afterwards we went to get my kitchen chairs re-upholstered (finally!!!), I cant wait.

 

My friend is still in the hospital.  Boo.

 

Nothing much today, just got hungry while watching chopped :D

 

Day 23: deviation free. Meals taken on time, vitamins too

Mood = was alright

Hunger = none.

Day 21: The scale is not your friend!

Agh! I hate looking at the scales everyday but I cant help myself! Barely lost anything. I know I brought this upon myself, but still! *pout* What's keeping me sane is that my clothes are starting to fit better and I really feel better than I did 20 days ago.

 

- My allergic rhinitis had gone down significantly and I don't use my nasal spray that often anymore

- Headspace and mood-wise Im in a better position, in a good mood most of the time

- Im happy that Im doing this again

 

Going to try not to look at it over the next few days and weigh myself at the end of this month specially now that my period is just a few days away. I don't want to frustrate myself any further.

 

The experience with my second plan is totally different from the first. Oh well, my circumstances are also definitely different too. It is difficult not to compare the experience. Then I was 2 years younger, fresh out of gym-ing (is that a word?), and single. 

Came home at 9 to a braai. Had a piece of steak with veggies.. nyummmm...

Day 21: deviation free, 1 fruit under allowance, vits taken

Mood= a bit irritable

Hunger= not so much. Wanted to have bread though.

Day 20: Intuition

Before I start with this topic, I just want to add that yesterday, somebody gave me a miniature tart. As you can see its so pretty (but not as tasty according to my bf :D) and I really really wanted to eat it in the office yesterday but I did not give in and brought it home.

I just hungry all day yesterday. I think my PMS has started coz I felt lower tummy pain just by sitting. Woke up this morning with the heaviest body ever! My joints hurt and I just feel like being pulled to the ground. I didn't want to get up, but I did, I still had to cook my meals. Since I was feeling so lazy, I sat outside, got some sunshine and decided to cook my lunch and have a yogurt and fruit for breakfast. I just couldn't be bothered.

Before leaving, I said I cant feel so down today, I don't want this feeling! Im doing so good at work and this really wouldn't help me. On the way to office, I listened to a discussion about Living an Intuitive Life by Sonia Choquette. It was insightful.

Some key takeaways:

1. Intuition is not mystical - its not your oohh e.s.p.-looking-into-the-future thing. Its listening to your gut, your heart.

2. To apply this at work, keep yourself informed  -learn, be on the look out on what's going on, do not work just merely to get by, understand the people around you without judging - because in the end, based on what you know or gather, you will tell yourself the answers you need based on the collective data that you have stored.

3. I really liked the part that said -> when you set goals, make sure your goals will benefit at least 2 people, as this opens yourself up to your intuition. That you are just not self-serving.

4. We all are vibrating with energy, and whatever you vibrate you attract - Ive been reading and hearing about this a lot, which I find to be true.

It was a lot of information on single drive, maybe I will write more in detail the next time. But I've resonated with most of the discussion. I feel like I have been out of touch with my intuition for so long. 

I wish I could have written about it in a way that is good but I guess is one of those days when you just feel "blah". I tried everything, I had my coffee, listen to some inspirational discussion, and listened to upbeat music.

Im still hungry, but not like the previous days.

Day 20: deviation free, 1 fruit under allowance, vits taken
Mood = meh
Hunger = manageable; but craving!

Day 19: Good news

I want a dog!!! :(

The fit of the work slacks I wore today was comfortable! Wooo-hoo!!! I wore this one 2 weeks ago and it was very snug, but today, it fit me very nicely :) Plus, these pants were from circa 2009!

Happy day.. I cant wait for more positive physical changes.. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

In Cohen news, the scales moved in my favor this morning, to which I am glad. I hope this continues over the next 2 days so I can report an acceptable 10 day weight loss in spite of the deviation. I'm not expecting a 3kg loss, but maybe 2?

Got hungry before my next meal today. Hmm.. I was craving for pappa roti buns. I still stuck to my diet, I really cant wait to enter the 60's, because per experience, that's my happy weight :D

I was so hungry today!!!! :'(

Day 19: All meals taken on time, vitamins too. 1 fruit under allowance. Deviation free.
Mood = good
Hunger = yes, very much! :(

Day 18: The 7pm lunch break

I think Im becoming a bore. I have nothing to talk about that I haven't written about already! Not to mention Im swamped with work today.. Sheesh.

 

Had my breakfast at 11 on the dot, not because I wasn't hungry, but because I couldn't squeeze it in! In the hunger department, not that much which is not what I expected. But all the better for me.

 

Met a friend for coffee again (Im bringing new customers to this coffee place :D) and she was interested with the CD because I told her about the concept of the programme and she has problem with acne and gaining weight. So I mentioned maybe its the food she eats that's affecting her hormones. She's looking into it..

 

Got to eat my lunch at 7! Can you believe that?! I really couldnt squeeze it in! :( I thought I could right after the coffee break but I had too much to do!

 

Given that, my dinner timing is compromised. I dont know if the 8 hour food gap from breakfast to "lunch" is considered a deviation. I still decided to stick to the 5 hour rule. I ate my dinner close to 12 midnight. To make it to 12 and not sleep, I weighed my vegetables for tomorrow's meals. I like cooking in the morning so I left the cooking for the next day. I hung the overdue laundry, ironed my work pants for tomorrow, watched an episode of Chopped and wrote this post. I dont know how the scale will react tomorrow though...

 

Day 18: late dinner, slept late too. 1 fruit under allowance. Vitamins taken.
Mood=good
Hunger= didnt notice if there was any.

Day 17: Getting on the bus

After my senna tea yesterday evening and several trips to the bathroom this morning (I think I have no intestines left), I weighed myself and I gained 900 gms. Guess that's fine.

Im still giddy about my weekend :)

And another week continues with this woman. I find it a little bit funny and annoying at the same time on how she gets worked up on things so early in the morning. I just don't really let it get to me.

I got hungry quite easily after each meal, close to craving but I stuck to my diet. It did help that I was really busy today.

Day 17: deviation free, 1 fruit under allowance, vits taken

Mood= ok

Hunger= yes, want more food!

Day 15 - 16: Anniversary

I wanted to headline my blog post as Cheat Day, but that is such a red flag. I am writing this not to encourage deviations but as part of my tracking by blogging.

I did deviate big time for my own reasons. Trust me I didn't want to, but my bf had planned a very nice weekend getaway for us that I have accepted the fact that I will deviate and enjoy my time.

Overall, I am not sorry about it. I was happy. Inspite of knowing that it will delay my progress, or that the deviation will probably reflect on my next blood test.

Its ok. I am here to stay. As they say, cross the bridge when you get there. I will have to suck it all up again over the next few days, but I have accepted that by now. It wont be so easy and will be frustrating (scale wise).

Day 15: The beautiful Al Maha
 
Woke up late today being that it was the weekend, my fitbit gave me a star for meeting my sleep goals for today. BF gave me a nice Pandora heart necklace where you can place in tiny pictures in it. He still didn't tell me what exactly his plans were but he just said I needed to pack for an overnight somewhere (all I thought is that we were having dinner outside).
 

I was really excited, had my breakfast and we went early to a mall to get a new frame for his prescription glasse (my gift). We shopped for veggies, reached back home, cooked my lunch and packed. On the way to the location, I realized we were going to Al Maha Luxury Resort and Spa (wowzer!). It was sooo beautiful, exclusive and nice. He told me me we were going to have a dinner picnic, so then I decided not to have my lunch and save my calories for later (deviation 1).
 
I had a few nuts and the welcome drink and an hour later, I was really hungry! And here I was talking about not being hungry at all yesterday! sheesh... I had coffee and a cracker.
 

We swam, went for a sunset spot and then to the dinner in the middle of the desert. It was so nice but a tad humid. Delicious food too, but I really couldn't eat so much. I enjoyed it and ate to my fill (deviation 2.. and Im off the bus) It was lovely. Went back, chilled, watched tv, slept. What is it with 5 star hotels? Their beds and beddings are so, so, so comfortable. I want to have the same at home!! I slept like a baby..
 
Day 15: off the bus
Mood = happy
Hunger = didn't have time to be hungry except at the beginnin 


Day 16:  The merriment continues
 
Woke up really early to enjoy a dune drive. Ah the vast desert, it was beautiful to look at. There were only 4 of us in the SUV and everything felt relaxed and unique. Went back for breakfast and had eggs benedict and pancakes (deviation ftw!), couldn't finish 2 pancakes, struggled with 1. Went back to the room and watched the Olympics. We just basically chilled, my god that bed and those beddings. I think I hugged the pillow more than my bf, and kept saying I want this pillow..... zzzz.. kept dozing off :D I had the most comfortable sleep!!

Had lunch at 2, had a pumpkin soup and steak and a small scoop of vanilla ice cream (deviation ftw again!). Right then we both decided --"NO DINNER!" :D we ate enough for days.. hehe.. Reached home, watched rugby and had my senna tea.

Day 16: still off the bus
Mood = happy and sleepy
Hunger = in the evening, like really, had 5 provitas to calm the hunger and quarter of a protein bar