4th day: Tired

Feeling low and slow today. Patience is a bit short. Or could it also be that I'm just really busy and will continue to be over the next few months. I should not be allowed to speak to clients over the next few days 😄 I haven't had the dreaded headaches yet or the flu, but I'm craving for the food that I used to eat - all of them. 

I'm feeling bored with my perfectly healthy and well balanced meals. I could let the time fly and not eat, but I want to eat something good a.k.a bad. This is some form of gratification right? That since I worked hard, I deserve to eat anything that I want. Need to learn how to delay gratification, coz that has been my mantra for 2 years now.

As I type, I'm thinking of heading to the store and grabbing kettle chips and a honey cake, go home and share it with my boyfriend. 😖 Of course silly, I didnt do that 😀, I didnt want the 4 days to go to waste.

BF: egg, veggies, cracker, centrum

LU: beef, veggies, centrum, coke light

SN: afternoon - apple

DI: chicken, veggies, cracker

CAF: 1 coffee, black

VIT: collagen 1, 3, hyaluronic, collagen 2

4th day - deviation free

Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

Day 7: Feeling low

Weighed myself first thing in the morning and weight is up by 200 gms?!? WTH?! This will affect my target week 1 loss. I don't think I will lose as much as I did (at the same period) like the last time..

I've been good for the past few days. The only thing that's not ideal is my sleep. I don't get uninterrupted sleep due to this stupid allergy. I sleep on time but I wake up early morning because I cant breathe through my nose, and sleep is elusive after that.

Otherwise, woke up today like the usual.  Prepared my meals and had my first warm lemon drink in the morning. I hope that will help me. As I drove to office I started feeling tired and heavy. I wasn't hungry, but my joints felt tired. Hmm.. I guess Im far from being in the Zone.


I read my old entries to keep my motivation up, and to check what I was doing on the same day# to get insights to how I was feeling on X day of the program.

I came across my entry about my results on the 4th week.

I like that entry, so detailed and informative. If I do have readers who are on the program now, I suggest to read that entry. This time though, I don't have access to that body composition report as Im not a member of the gym anymore.

Work was full on today and Im pretty ok, was not sluggish or foggy-brained. Im taking on the office mgr job for 5 weeks starting Sunday. So whatever detox symptoms that are still bound to come must come and go before Sunday!! :D

Went to the doc to get prescription for my asthma so decided to get my allergies checked and I got some medicines to take.. will check those out with my consultant before starting.

Other than that, all is good.

Day 7: Deviation free. 1.5 fruit less than allowance
Mood = meh
Hunger= not really hungry at any point during the day.

Day 60: Feeling Rundown

Its probably because I didnt have proper sleep and the 'calm before the storm' with regards to my workload had officially passed today,I was feeling very tired, sleepy and moody. On top of that, Im craving :'(

they had to keep this? they could have
just let it go with the caterers!

Plus there were a lot of leftover sweets from yesterday's party. I was just feeling like I am being punished for not having any of those. Such as these ice cream scoops in the freezer. I havent had the chance to take a pic of the bottom part of the fridge, as despite being full, the desserts were out by 10:30am..

Im feeling so so so so bad for myself.. I know there is no reason why. Its not as if its the end of the world.

So in an attempt to pump myself up, I searched for old photos. The photos at my heaviest. I was so big then.. Huge..

Didnt work.

Im just chalking this up from being sleepless..

Cooked my 3 days worth of meals yesterday evening. Ate my meals on time today. Had my vitamins, crackers and 1 DC. I ate four peach/nectarines though. I just couldnt help myself. I was feeling so low and they tasted so good..

Guess the chromium is not working? :(

Day 60, DV free..