Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

DDAy 8: Emotions and Eating

Do not underestimate the power of this phrase.

Gained 1.2kg!! wtf? Did I have too much DCs yesterday? I think I had more than a liter!?!? Did my lack of sleep do this? :'(

I will not weigh myself again until I have to. Im feeling sad right now.. and surprisingly.. missing the bf.. well much.. jeez.. I just saw him on Sunday... errrmmm.. so unfamiliar territory.

Tried not to be cranky.. not easy. but after coffee.. everything was bright again! #coffeelover hahahaha

I have my food for today stocked in the office, but still cooked my breakfast for today and tomorrow plus 1 meal. Im keeping this having 2 days worth of meals available all the time.

I gave away the last Provita pack I had at home. I really cant handle that. I end up eating more than what Im allowed, and once I start, its difficult to stop. I need to stock up on ryvitas.

Come midday, i had a huge argument with one of my best friends. Took a lot out of me. I was so bummed in the evening that I had a strong urge to just chuck this diet and eat something nice, something tasty. Anything! Went for a beer with a colleague at a nearby Irish pub.. well she had beer and I had a DC :D and after an hour I wanted to eat soooooo badly! It took a good 30 mins of saying "yah order.." "nooooo I cant eat" literally. How annoying is that? Im glad my colleague didnt punch me in the face..

It was extremely difficult. The internal struggle, reasoning with yourself whether or not to give in. The reasons to give in are very powerful, despite  sounding silly enough in my head. I almost did give in.

My success (for today) depended on just 1 word,1 thought, 1 phrase, 1 decision - NO. THANK YOU.

I will not give in. Sounds easy right? Think again..

Reached home before 9, shaking with hunger and anticipation. Had my last serving of crackers with a teaspoon of light mayo and ate my cauli rice with minced beef.

And everything was alright...

All meals taken on time, fruits, vitamins and crackers too. 2 DCs.

DDay 8:DV free.

Feeling Alone

The day started good.. I was in an upbeat mood but by noon time, I felt the energy and the good vibes going. By 1pm I was feeling quite low.. really low..and I know why.. Its one of them single ladies thoughts..


"Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too"

I never had a problem with being single, I actually am comfortable being single.. Im not the type who needs constant companionship or assurance.. I can be with a group of couples and be fine with it.

When my friends read this post, they would be surprised that Im having such thoughts. Im so good at being single hehehe...

Its just that there are times when you miss being loved and cared for by a significant other. Someone to make you smile randomly in a day. Someone who shares your woes and fears.. That exclusivity feeling, that its just you and him.. Most of all, I miss actually loving someone and that someone is not one of my friends but someone special and dear to me only..

How come Im still single? I dont think Im ugly, I have a sense of humor, I am articulate, friendly, and I am no longer fat.. I am active.. going outside with friends, doing activities, and def not hibernating.. Then how come?I havent had a date for as long as I can remember?? Is it because Im old (33)? Is it because I am Asian and I wouldn take crap from anyone??

I never had problems with dates before.. I seriously feel that the sincerity of dating here has flown out the window..

Thing is, in this country, racism is very prevalent, especially with the Asian nationalities.. Im not generalizing but most people here see us as either after the passport of the "white" people or just for a "good" time esp with the Arabs. Well I really cannot blame them, there would have been a basis for that ey? But its not fair. So I myself am careful or biased towards Arab nationals.. and the "white" people I know, I find them too conceited (im not after your fucking passport!shove that passport up your ass!!) and the ones I see act like they're god's gift to women. And oh, by the way most of them feel like gods as this country favors them like anything.. such as being given a way bigger salary being as compared to their Asian counterparts..

I dont want to sound like this, but sometimes it is really too much. Like people here dont really see you as for who you are but just for a good lay or for the color of your skin or your hair. It is really depressing.

And whats more, in my 2 years of singlehood, no one had even bothered to get to know me better..

Maybe i just have a huge "fuck off" sign on my forehead. OR maybe im just not likeable...

Is it really so hard to find someone geniunely interested in me? OR someone decent? What happened to good old fashioned dating??

And as usual, the good ones are already taken.

Im done with this pity crap..

I'll be single if that's the way it is. I seriously refuse to be treated like an item.. like a commodity.. like someone without worth..

no.. thank you very much..

Day 44 & 45: One of Them Days

"..that a girl goes through... dont take it personal.." :D

PMS surely kicking in.. Day 44 was ok, nothing much to report. I did hatha yoga with a colleague in the evening then went to watch an movie outdoors.. all meals taken on time.

Day 45 is totally different story.

I was feeling quite sluggish today. The usual slump when Im close to my periods, I am feeling tired as if I have been moving around and its just 10am! I am craving too, despite the morning multi-vitamin. I feel hungry right after the meal + cracker.

I had to let my foster cat go today. I love him to bits, but he doesnt let me sleep! I have isolated him in the kitchen as he had just recovered from the flu plus my cat doesnt get along with him yet.. When I am in the kitchen with him, he is so sweet, loving and purring non-stop. But as soon as I step out, its a crying madness!! for hours! And its been 3 wks like this, so I told the lady who rescued him of my situation and she offered to board him.. I feel so bad.. coz a) the lady will have to spend for boarding and 2) I will miss that naughty little bugger.. BUT I do need proper sleep too.. :'(



one of them coffee person..

Black coffee is my saviour. I normally take my coffee black anyway even before pre-cohen, with an occassional dash of milk and sugar when I feel like it.  Black coffee gives me the energy boost that I need, everytime. Its my version of Redbull..

So I sipped my coffee, silently, waiting for the energy rush to come.. Otherwise I just wanted to go home and rest or do nothing. The coffee did its job :) and everything seems bright and shiny after that :D

I had expressed my interest to be considered for a position that will open in one of the departments from our group of companies..  feedback was positive.. need to get cracking on adjusting my CV.

By noon I received feedback from the clinic about my 2nd blood test results. Feedback was good: 

Please be advised that Dr. Cohen was satisfied with your blood test results and instructed that you continue with your program.

Kindly let us know if you have any questions. 

Regards,

The Consultants Team

 Please note: No additional blood test is required, unless we specifically request it.

Im happy! ^_^

Picked up a friend from the airport. Im glad to have him back in the country with a new job!

Went home early and cooked my 4days meals.

Day 44 & 45, DV free..