Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

DDay 9:: Feeling good..

Because its the weekend! hahaha.. I have a fully packed weekend, starting tonight. Its not all fun though, mostly errands.. with saturday spending time with the beau.

Or could it be Im close to the Zone border?? tee heeeee

Or most probably because I got good sleep. I slept around 11pm yest.

Im travelling next week, 1-2 Sept in AUH and 4-9 in EU. I will not have that much time to clean, cook, pack.. its crazy.

For my 4-9 sept trip. I plan to cook my meals on the 2nd & 3rd evening  (2 meals per day as breakfast I can take from the places Im staying at, they will have eggs or I can buy yogurt :D.) . I can sleep on the flight.

Its best effort time ppl!!!!! I need to lose as much as I can by end of Sept!!!

If the food gets spoiled on the later part of the trip, at least I tried and been on the program for most part of my trip.. If all are preserved, then lucky me! Get to save a lot of euros too.. heheheh..

I didnt have my crackers today, Im glad though, coz I got to consume them in the evening, while Im cooking. At least I have something to eat after 9pm when hunger striked. I just had to condition my mind during the day when I felt hungry. I had my fruits with me.

All meals taken on time today. Vitamins, crackers, fruits were within allowance. 2DCs

DDay 9: DV free

Day 38: Adding Coal to the Fire

 health-bent.com

I am tensed up to my ears right now:

Weightloss:  Back to 68.1kg.. since Day 32, I had lost 700gms and then gained them all back as I weighed in this morning. Is it the lack of sleep? the stress? 10days before TOM. I dont know! All I know is that I am deviation free

Solution: ?

Incentive:  My Barcelona trip is not going to happen. Leave not approved.

Solution: Keep the France trip alone and move the dates.

Sleep: Not getting enough. My old habits are coming back. Plus, my cat wakes up so early and keeps on meowing, disrupting my sleep. If I shut her out of my room, she keeps crying.

Solution: Will earplugs save me?

Dark circles under my eyes becoming prominent. Everyone in the office and at the gym is saying so. I drink enough water

Solution: Sleep more and I need to find a good concealer

Work: Its going to pile up soon on me now.. Im a too lazy to do this. I should also be job hunting right now, which Im not doing.

Solution: STOP BEING COMPLACENT!!! WORK YOUR ASS OFF!

Overall Mood: I feel like I am PMSing, its just a wk before the expected TOM date.

Solution: Ride it through.. Sleep..

Whew.. in times like this, I try to find a solution for every problem. Only issue is if I will follow through this solution..

"Let it gooooo.. let it gooooo..." :D


Its time to add coal to the waning fire..
(so soon?? :D )

I decided to start reading up for the REBUILD phase of my plan. But, I found out that there will be a short MAITAINANCE part in this rebuild plan. Sort of breaking in to Rebuild.

In my earlier posts, I mentioned that I want to follow a Zone living. I read 2 of Dr. Barry Sears books when I was in the Uni and was convinced with this way of living. The Zone style of eating comprises of 30% protein, 40% carbs and 30% fat in each meal. What got me sold on this eating plan is this:

What is the Zone? Simply put, its the metabolic rate at which the body works at peak efficiency.

I downloaded all his books and will slowly determine my eating strategies after Refeed. As for the exercise part, I need to start slow and so I will go to the basics of weights training and some HIIT cardio, which I can get from my trainer. I already have Visual Impact for Women by Rusty Moore as a start off point.

All meals taken today on time. No DCs for me today so yay! Took my multivitamins and my hunger and cravings were under control. I tried nectarine today.. Yummy!!

Went to get my 2nd set of blood test done and went straight home to cook for the next 3days worth of meals. hit the sack by 11:30pm.

If my sweet cat wakes up at 6 and decides to wake me up, then I would have at least 6.5hours of sleep. Besides, there's Yogilates at 7am at the gym tomorrow.

Oh! 2 of my friends got accepted to the program, so double yay!!

Day 38, DV free.

Day 29: Cheesy Does Not Do It

I weighed in today and have dissapointing 1 wk loss so Im not gonna post it now, Im going to wait for the 31st to have a final weight loss figure.. :'(

Woke up today and felt like having a cheese meal. I thought, I should try this Philadelphia Fat Free cream cheese that had so eluded the market shelves of a lot of members in the forum. Plus, it is going to expire in mid April so why not.

I made the zucchini cheese fritatta's (cheese+veggies+crackers)and I couldnt say it was any special. It was too much cheese for me even thouh I exceeded the veggie allowance by 10gms! I seriously thought that the allowance will be the same if I had an egg. Deviation! uff!

Plus, it didnt make me full. I felt elck! queasy, too much cheese! 2 hours later, I was so  hungry and by hour 5 I was dizzy hungry!!

So no, no more cheese meals for me. :/

Today was hectic as usual:

laundry> met a friend who is going back to PH and gave stuff, got caught up in a lot of traffic> grocery> picked up foster cat who is having the flu> drop groceries home> took cat to the vet> suddenly I had an allergy that got my nosed stuffed> came home weighed my proteins, kept in freezer> slept for 2.5hrs!, felt weak and sick> had dinner, couldnt bring myself to make my meals for this week> by 10, dragged my ass to the kitchen and made 2 days worth of meals only> felt so tired> cleaned the litter boxes> washed> slept by 12!

The day was full and I wasnt feeling at my 100%. I didnt get to sweep/dust the house and my cat is shedding full time!!!! :( So cat hair is everywhere! Im picking balls of fur from every corner of the house.. I may have to get her fully shaved again.. hmmmm...

Day 29, not deviation free.. exceeded Meal 1 veggie allowance by 10gms.

Anyhoo....