Day 40-41: Stressed

I feel really stressed for the past few days, I can feel it in my gut. Acidic. Or am I having too much coffee? I only have 1 really black coffee in a day on an empty stomach. I used to drink more.

 

The work load is coming, and I am foreseeing that I will soon feel that I'm not being paid enough for this. I have no problem with the workload, its fine, but the people, so toxic, not only my temp boss, but from others as well. I guess they are stressed too.

 

I need to find a way to relax myself. I want to stay positive and optimistic. I want these qualities to prevail over others. I don't want to be one of those people who are stressed, overworked and becomes a bitch. Because it tires you out. I feel tired after being angry or mean at people on a continuous basis.

 

Is this why the scale is not moving? Nah. Its been 2 weeks since Im in the 71kg area. I already asked my consultant about this. Im really getting fed up.

 

I cant wait for the long weekend. I want to switch off or just be at home and be quiet and maybe meet with a few friends on one of those days. But for my benefit, I will also try to work so that Im not left behind nor bogged down with emails when we are all back. These people work non-stop.

Other than that, same old same old. Same food, same routine, same thing about no movement in the scales. Im tired of it. Woke up this morning not wanting to weigh anymore because I keep seeing the same frustrating number.

Not going to check the scales anymore.

Day 40-41: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = im ok, just workload makes me moody
Hunger = none.

 

Day 38: Bothered

I still don't get it. Why is my weight fluctuating? Its just playing between the same weight for 4days? I feel that am dropping size though. Its just that this programme measures your success predominantly on weight loss and that's really bothersome.

I know Im not supposed to weigh everyday, but I need that boost to know that hey, Im doing something right. But from the looks of it, Im doing something wrong? Could be my scale has a problem? But I tried it in 3 different locations in the house, its fine. I don't know. I live in a "container", you know those portacabins, so maybe our flooring is not level?

It feels so odd, that I see the difference in size yet the weight is really not going south.

Bothered.

I can feel like this and still have to continue with it. There's no way to go about it. I have set a goal and at this rate, Im not going to make it on time. I'm aware my body will lose what it needs to lose at its own time. But it has to happen by end of November (refeed), otherwise I stand a huge risk of falling off due to the holidays, and again not finishing this. Scares the shiz out of me.

Well enough of that. Need to shift focus.

Long weekend is coming up! whoop whoop! and Im not going anywhere, not travelling, no staycations, just at home. I don't want to spend and I don't want to break my diet. I can travel next year. I miss travelling though :( really bad. 

Today was pretty stressful. Boss was just in a seriously foul mood today, I tried to steee clear of her. Felt that acidity in my tummy that you get when you are stressed. I refuse to accept its too much coffee.

Day 38: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance

Mood = so-so. Did not sleep well yesterday

Hunger = none. Just looked forward to a mango for dinner.

Day 12: Trying to Keep a Positive Attitude

She brings in the same terror as this
woman minus the looks & style and
composed voice. Everyone in the
office avoids her.. :/

Hay this lady, the boss of the person Im temporarily handling the job for is just really a very toxic person! It is warranted that she has a lot on her plate and she will not have patience for errors or delays, I definitely understand that, but still all that negative emotion - raised voice, annoyed look, making everyone hurry, just trickles down to the team. I feel it but I try not to let it get to me, I know Im good (and zoning) so I try not to let her kill my buzz.

In other news, the meat spice yesterday evening didnt seem to have an effect on me this morning (the scale moved down). However, it may still harm me over the next few days.

Day went by, was so busy I got to eat lunch at 4 and reached home 10mins to 9. So I was able to eat my dinner on time.

Day 12: deviation free, 1 fruit under allowance, vits taken

Mood = good

Hunger = none

BDay 1: Still Here

Im still here.. Still trying..  and its tough to get over the chocolate cravings..

As observed before, Im good during the day but I crash and give in by night, massively..

Now Im bloated, gained a good amount of weight in that short span of time,mostly due to the chocolates and sweets. I dont even eat outside food and when I do, I dont eat so bad or so much..

Why am I having such a tough time?!? I keep asking myself this. If I was able to do it the first time, I should be able to do this again right?

I have come up with several reasons as to why Im having such a difficult time. I am trying as much as possible to reason with my head and I refuse to accept fully, that "oh, its just hormones!"

1) Arrogance: the thought of having done it once and was successful about it, makes me think that I can do this again, anytime! "you people just watch out.. hmpf!"

2) Leniency: Im being lenient with myself, using the knowledge that the program will work once I start following it 100%. It will work, so why not eat the stuff I want today and start tomorrow.. its just 1 day....

3) "Im ok": this feel good statement.. uff.. I know I am ok, but I also know I want to be better. I am now at my somewhat "ok" / "forgivable" / "normal" size so yah... Im ok..  which leads me back to # 2.. and to make not being on plan more "reasonable", I listen to people saying that I looked "pale, too thin, skin on my face sagging" (when I was at 63kg) and that now I look "better, healthier, pleasant" despite feeling my clothes become tight on me, and my tummy is slightly protruding again!

4) Stress: I had to include this one, with the stuff thats been going on for the past few months, climaxing in June.. I bet somehow had made me lose focus on goal, and then everything snowballed from there.. Just to give you a rundown:

May

- broke up with my best friend
- went to a conference in VIE
- ruined Vienna personal trip and the stress of trying to make it work
- planning for our annual event in June-- from A-Z by myself- hotel and menu selection, entertainment, guestlist, follow-ups (with the help colleagues, thank God!), press, press kits, speech, presentation
- we were officially told about my boss and SM are being made redundant
- France trip-- the stress of it almost not happening due to flights being full and too expensive, looking for alternatives

June

- hosted our annual event
- prepared everything related to my boss leaving- farewell party, turnovers, reimbursements, movers, exit documents, family tickets, reco letters, coordination with HO- a lot of admin stuff
- farewell parties - for boss and SM- collecting money for gifts, farewell cards signed by the whole office, caterer

On top of this, I have personal issues too, that I do spend time to think about:

- job hunting- i couldnt even squeeze this in
- travelling- i want to travel more!
- financial obligations at home
- career - im at a standstill and both of my friends are flying high.. oh did i mention both are married too? I cant even begin to tell you how stressful this is.. my career and lovelife are both mediocre.. non existent..

Oh, and yesterday, I found out that I will need another root canal!! My old dentist did a botched up job with my fillings and now Im paying for it. I've gone for a full xray to see which are the problem areas as i am feeling pain on both my lower and upper teeth on the right side..  money down the drain again.. :(

Im just glad Ramadan has started. Everything slows down during this month, giving me the time to focus, and hopefully we will have lesser food in the office. But since the majority of colleagues are non-muslims, eating and drinking openly is not an issue.

Meals and vitamins taken on time, 1 DC + on antibiotics and painkillers for my tooth..

BDay 1, DV free.

Day 38: Adding Coal to the Fire

 health-bent.com

I am tensed up to my ears right now:

Weightloss:  Back to 68.1kg.. since Day 32, I had lost 700gms and then gained them all back as I weighed in this morning. Is it the lack of sleep? the stress? 10days before TOM. I dont know! All I know is that I am deviation free

Solution: ?

Incentive:  My Barcelona trip is not going to happen. Leave not approved.

Solution: Keep the France trip alone and move the dates.

Sleep: Not getting enough. My old habits are coming back. Plus, my cat wakes up so early and keeps on meowing, disrupting my sleep. If I shut her out of my room, she keeps crying.

Solution: Will earplugs save me?

Dark circles under my eyes becoming prominent. Everyone in the office and at the gym is saying so. I drink enough water

Solution: Sleep more and I need to find a good concealer

Work: Its going to pile up soon on me now.. Im a too lazy to do this. I should also be job hunting right now, which Im not doing.

Solution: STOP BEING COMPLACENT!!! WORK YOUR ASS OFF!

Overall Mood: I feel like I am PMSing, its just a wk before the expected TOM date.

Solution: Ride it through.. Sleep..

Whew.. in times like this, I try to find a solution for every problem. Only issue is if I will follow through this solution..

"Let it gooooo.. let it gooooo..." :D


Its time to add coal to the waning fire..
(so soon?? :D )

I decided to start reading up for the REBUILD phase of my plan. But, I found out that there will be a short MAITAINANCE part in this rebuild plan. Sort of breaking in to Rebuild.

In my earlier posts, I mentioned that I want to follow a Zone living. I read 2 of Dr. Barry Sears books when I was in the Uni and was convinced with this way of living. The Zone style of eating comprises of 30% protein, 40% carbs and 30% fat in each meal. What got me sold on this eating plan is this:

What is the Zone? Simply put, its the metabolic rate at which the body works at peak efficiency.

I downloaded all his books and will slowly determine my eating strategies after Refeed. As for the exercise part, I need to start slow and so I will go to the basics of weights training and some HIIT cardio, which I can get from my trainer. I already have Visual Impact for Women by Rusty Moore as a start off point.

All meals taken today on time. No DCs for me today so yay! Took my multivitamins and my hunger and cravings were under control. I tried nectarine today.. Yummy!!

Went to get my 2nd set of blood test done and went straight home to cook for the next 3days worth of meals. hit the sack by 11:30pm.

If my sweet cat wakes up at 6 and decides to wake me up, then I would have at least 6.5hours of sleep. Besides, there's Yogilates at 7am at the gym tomorrow.

Oh! 2 of my friends got accepted to the program, so double yay!!

Day 38, DV free.

Day 37: The Number 36

Woke up, gained 400gms. I know I said I wouldnt weigh myself daily but only after 10days, but couldnt help myself..

I almost deviated today, out of choice due to anger and frustration. I couldnt even begin to write it.. Its the fuckall of all news.. So I'd rather not get started and all the flying fucks and mother fuckers will trod on this entry..

Anyhow, I almost reached and took a handful of those Hershey's chocolate nuggets from my colleague who just came back from US and wanted to munch on each single one of them.. The chocolatey goodness..


But the only thing that stopped me is the number 36.

36 days of eating Cohen clean.

Do I just throw it all away? I know it will only add to the misery of the day. I know that at the first taste of that chocolate, I have disregarded my 36 days of hard work. No, not disregarded it BUT I would have set myself back 1 week- ON PURPOSE. Why would I do that?!

All meals taken on time. I forgot my multivitamins and note to self: never to forget again. As the hunger and cravings are evident without it. I had to stop myself from eating my crackers and my fruits, otherwise I will not have anything else except dinner in the evening..

Day 37, DV free.

Thats all. Thank you.

Day 22: Salami Backed & Road Rage

Warning: a lot of profanity in this post

Weighed in this morning, and lost 2.1kgs. Now thats a total of 7.3kgs! :)

Saturday is becoming a day of chores for me uff-- laundry, folding clothes, house cleaning, groceries, and cooking my 5days worth of meals, which usually ends at 1am.



Salami Back
looks painful, doesnt it? :)

In my attempt to de-stress, I went for a cupping massage. Turns out, I am really stressed out and lots of toxins in my body.. It was lovely. Their massage therapists are the best of what I have tried so far.

After getting relaxed, I drove home and encountered some traffic, which I tried hard not to bother me. I went to shop for groceries, which took me less than an hour, coz now I mostly stay in almost 1 section of the huge supermarket (well except for the cat food section which was almost on the other end of the store).

Picked up my foster cat, my naughty boy Henry, who, according to the lady who took him for adoption day, got a lot of interest but was unfortunately not adopted.

All was fine, until I became a victim of road rage. A guy was trying to cut in front of me after queueing in the long line of cars, and he had the nerve to shout at me and call the police at me saying Im not giving way. I lost my nerve and shouted back! Like if I can swear in this
country without getting prosecuted I would have done so already. I took his picture that he was trying to cut in front of me as a proof to the police if ever he files a complaint, but he in turn took my cars picture and my picture, I was soooo fucking mad!!!!!!!! I got so stressed that I felt some acidity in my tummy..

I tried to let it go during the rest of the night, by going on with my routine and cooking but I still get stressed about it. I wasnt wrong in the first place and that asshole had the nerve to call the police on me?? mother fucker!!!!

I tried the breathing technique, didnt work. I just want to let this go.. But everytime I remember it, I get worked up, and I feel that acidity in my tummy...

Other than that, my meals were on as planned, today was a beef day, and quite delcious in fact. I had everything- meals, vitamins, crispbreads, fruits, and a 500ml DC.

DV free!

Day 18: Stress!

What a stressful day. I am really upset.

A day that began nicely was perfectly ruined by a friend of mine by deciding to pick a fight with me. Must be the full yellow moon tonight.. Sent all hormones flying.. D

On top of that, work is coming left, right and center, and everyone cant seem to wait.

Uff.. tomorrow is my birthday.. and Im not quite sure if I can keep up with my statement:

No treats for me girls. We will meet up but I will eat my packed dinner. You all can drink and celebrate but I will not.. Gifts are still welcome though :D

Can I do this???

Im heading for a mani pedi later, I will try the gelish french tip. Im going not because its my birthday.. Im going because our VP and CCO are coming the next day.. Need to look professional from top to bottom..

Had my lunch at 4pm! Can you imagine!? i was that busy, I didnt even feel hungry. Meals for the day:

BF: eggs+cabbage+mushroom+onion+half cheek of the mango
S: Crispbreads +coffee
    sipped DC throughout
L: Stir fried Bok Choy (garlic+ginger+onion) topped off with garlic-ky tilapia fillet with parsley and corriander leaves
S: crispbreads
D: Beef stir fry+stir fried veggies (cabbage, mushroom, onions, capsicum)
S: apple

I was really too busy that i had dinner at almost 10pm..

However, the day ended well as my friends came over my place by 12midnight and brough over some chocolate mousse cake.. It was such a lovely gesture. Plus I did get calls from friends abroad at exactly 12mn (my time) so in some places it was already 3am, 4am, 5am, and yet they still called me.

And I didnt touch that cake!! Although, it was so tempting to lick off that mousse from the knife when I was placing it in containers to bring to the office the next day :D


DV free today.