BDay 1: Still Here

Im still here.. Still trying..  and its tough to get over the chocolate cravings..

As observed before, Im good during the day but I crash and give in by night, massively..

Now Im bloated, gained a good amount of weight in that short span of time,mostly due to the chocolates and sweets. I dont even eat outside food and when I do, I dont eat so bad or so much..

Why am I having such a tough time?!? I keep asking myself this. If I was able to do it the first time, I should be able to do this again right?

I have come up with several reasons as to why Im having such a difficult time. I am trying as much as possible to reason with my head and I refuse to accept fully, that "oh, its just hormones!"

1) Arrogance: the thought of having done it once and was successful about it, makes me think that I can do this again, anytime! "you people just watch out.. hmpf!"

2) Leniency: Im being lenient with myself, using the knowledge that the program will work once I start following it 100%. It will work, so why not eat the stuff I want today and start tomorrow.. its just 1 day....

3) "Im ok": this feel good statement.. uff.. I know I am ok, but I also know I want to be better. I am now at my somewhat "ok" / "forgivable" / "normal" size so yah... Im ok..  which leads me back to # 2.. and to make not being on plan more "reasonable", I listen to people saying that I looked "pale, too thin, skin on my face sagging" (when I was at 63kg) and that now I look "better, healthier, pleasant" despite feeling my clothes become tight on me, and my tummy is slightly protruding again!

4) Stress: I had to include this one, with the stuff thats been going on for the past few months, climaxing in June.. I bet somehow had made me lose focus on goal, and then everything snowballed from there.. Just to give you a rundown:

May

- broke up with my best friend
- went to a conference in VIE
- ruined Vienna personal trip and the stress of trying to make it work
- planning for our annual event in June-- from A-Z by myself- hotel and menu selection, entertainment, guestlist, follow-ups (with the help colleagues, thank God!), press, press kits, speech, presentation
- we were officially told about my boss and SM are being made redundant
- France trip-- the stress of it almost not happening due to flights being full and too expensive, looking for alternatives

June

- hosted our annual event
- prepared everything related to my boss leaving- farewell party, turnovers, reimbursements, movers, exit documents, family tickets, reco letters, coordination with HO- a lot of admin stuff
- farewell parties - for boss and SM- collecting money for gifts, farewell cards signed by the whole office, caterer

On top of this, I have personal issues too, that I do spend time to think about:

- job hunting- i couldnt even squeeze this in
- travelling- i want to travel more!
- financial obligations at home
- career - im at a standstill and both of my friends are flying high.. oh did i mention both are married too? I cant even begin to tell you how stressful this is.. my career and lovelife are both mediocre.. non existent..

Oh, and yesterday, I found out that I will need another root canal!! My old dentist did a botched up job with my fillings and now Im paying for it. I've gone for a full xray to see which are the problem areas as i am feeling pain on both my lower and upper teeth on the right side..  money down the drain again.. :(

Im just glad Ramadan has started. Everything slows down during this month, giving me the time to focus, and hopefully we will have lesser food in the office. But since the majority of colleagues are non-muslims, eating and drinking openly is not an issue.

Meals and vitamins taken on time, 1 DC + on antibiotics and painkillers for my tooth..

BDay 1, DV free.