Day 86: Snowballin..

I have fully fallen off the bus.. Fully bruised..

On top of that, Im in a shitty place right now.. I am so sad that sleeping it over and over again doesnt help. When you lose your bestfriend for a reason uncomprehensible to majority of the citizens of this earth.. but still you cannot do anything about it.. is shattering..

I have given in to emotional eating.. and a major one.. a teary emotional eating weekend.. and ofcourse I gained.

I am so busy though that I have no time to think about and feel it, until I reach my place..

This is no excuse though. I still want to finish this..

My France trip is this weekend, but my trip back home is cancelled. Thats how busy work is. I really cannot make room for it.. or my office cannot make room for it..

:'(

All meals taken on time, fruits and vitamins too. A few crackers.. no DC..

Day 86, DV free.

Day 82-85: FML!

Im stuck with my weight since I started deviating.. phewft!

Since I binged yesterday evening, I was gassy the whole day!!! :D

Its the weekend and I just cant wait for it to start..

But first things first. FML! I seriously am too busy. I had lunch at almost 5pm coz I didnt notice the time!!! I feel too inclined to deviate. Today, I forgot my colleague and her friends are here for a ski competition and that I agreed to meet with them. I totally forgot it is today (thought it was for tomorrow), and I have another dentist appointment today . Sheesh..

I did not bring my dinner today coz I thought I'll be going to the dentist and then straight home. I dont know if I can wing it without dinner, just crackers, apples and DCs OR if I should order something healthy with my colleagues. This I've noticed is quite difficult for me. I just thought if Im staying late I will eat with them, if I can leave early, I will have dinner at home.

Day 82, DV free.

My weekend was packed.. but not the way I want it to be:

My day 83 started at the beach at 07:30-10:30, massage at 11, and salon appointmet at 1pm. Had a girly time with my friend who is leaving the country for good.

In the late evening, we moved towards the desert with a group of friends, set ourselves up for some meteor shower watching. Stayed and watched from 12mn to 4am, and there was not much to see.. so sleep gone :(

Day 84, overslept til 12noon. This is one of the saddest days of my life. I got my heart broken today by the same person. Its not on purpose, its just one those things that has to happen and definitely hurt.. Quite complicated, but there is no other way. We parted ways at 6am, just in front of the tv.. crying.. laughing.. crying... Sleep gone :(

Day 85, we are on national holiday and I intended to do some work in the office. But I was a vegetable the whole day.. Giving in to self sabotage.. You have no idea how much chocolates I ate the whole day, crying..sleeping.. crying.. shattered.. its all what I ate for the day.. oh! and eggs!

Day 83-85: Not DV free. NOT AT ALL..

Day 80 & 81: Stress? Good Stress?

Im gonna be a busy worker bee for the next few weeks.. The stress levels in the office is too much and I think it will carry on until end of June.

Lots of changes happenning in the office too.

How to cope?

Lots and lots of coffee.. confirmed beach hours.. deep breathing.. and taking 1 day at a time

Day 80

Cooked my meals in the morning..

Nothing much to report, im working like crazy

Went for power yoga in the evening.. wow.. it was tiring but amazing!

All meals intact, vitamins, fruits and crackers taken.

Day 80, DV free

Day 81

Same ol grind.. cant think of anything else aside work.

Had shisha in the evening with friends.. I sooo needed that one.. :D

All meals intact, vitamins, fruits and crackers taken.

Cracker doom again today.. gosh, I finished a whole pack with the liver spread + choccies while watching Inception on cable.

What is wrong with me?!? Im starting to lose my footing..

Day 81, NOT DV free..

Day 79: You Cant Handle The Truth!!

Woke up: same weight despite the choccie and cracker hogging last night.. :/

This has got to stop. Jeez.. I cant put this off any longer.. procrastination combined with no regard for delayed gratification is disastrous in the long run.. whew

Anyhoo, this has been running along inside my head.. This very phrase.. Every now and then, I do get the question: "What did you do to lose weight?" " What's the secret? Tell me! I really need to lose weight too." " How did you do it"

I usually give a generic reply:

" There's no secret. I just eat very clean- no starch, bread, rice, chocolates, processed food. I stick to lean proteins, and veggies.. 3 meals a day, with 2 healthy snacks (fruits) in between. I do yoga 2x a week too"

More often than not, people will lose their enthusiasm upon hearing this. As if they are expecting that I would give a name of a miracle drug, or another fad diet. I do not want to give the name Cohen diet, because the CD entails more than just that. But basically, thats the concept, which if they cannot handle now, well I dont expect them to handle it by then.

I hear:

"What?? no rice/bread/ <insert processed crap name>??"

"I cant do that! I cannot resist chocolates"

"Oh.. well good on you then."

I mean, seriously people.. what do you expect me to reply? I have learned at this point in my life that you cannot cheat this process. You can cheat yes, but it will punish you like nothing by making you gain it all back, and more OR it will lead to some serious health consequences that you would wish to have never done that fad diet or taken those pills in the first place..

There were only a few instances wherein I gave the name of the program, out of which 4 had enrolled, and 2 are over their 4wks and have had tremendous losses already.

I may be struggling now, but I did surrender to the program and what an amazing loss I've had in a short span of time. And, finally, after so many years, I really do believe that this process - healthy eating and healthy lifestyle is the way to a better being. There were problem areas that were solved immediately with this diet. For example, my arms, how I have been bothered by having huge arms, but now, they are skinnier than ever without exercise!! Im just speechless.

Went to the dentist today for the last part of my root canal. Im glad this thing is done.

All meals intact, had fruits, vitamins, and 1 DC. No crackers today! whoooo hooo!!

Day 79, DV free.

Day 78: Day 1.1

Back to homebase..

Woke up: back to 65.5kgs

I was actually expecting more.. But given that it was just 4 days.. 2 kgs could be too much? With all that eating and drinking (clubbing)

Cooked my meals this morning in the hopes of being able to do this diet again. I need to stay CD clean until my next trip which will be 2wks from now..

Busy.. busy..busy..

I was good in the morning, until I reached home, had them darn crackers and crashed from there-choccies...ugh!

I need to get my shit together..

Went for hatha yoga, felt good to stretch..

Day 78, not DV free..

Day ??: I've Lost Count :D, Destination: Vienna

Im typing this, alone in the apartment my friends and I rented... why alone? Well their tickets werent issued on time by our HO (long story)..

As much as I planned this trip, everything got screwed up..

Tickets -- not issued for friends, thus travelling alone
Apartment Cost - instead of divided by 3..i have to pay it alone.. boom.. pocket damage
Weather - it is fcking stormy and cold, thus freezing and cannot really do anything
Wachau valley bike tour - cancelled due to the weather..
Shopping as nothing can be done - boom.. pocket burned...

So.....

The work part was actually good.. not great coz I lost in that group workshop to the lady who was handling the marketing from our sister airline.. who will probably take over my job pretty soon due to the migration.. she is from the lead carrier

For the past 3 days, Ive eaten like a normal person.. I ate until I feel full. Ate for my taste. Didnt hog, but didnt eat too healthy either.. Since I am in Vienna.. I had my Sacher Torte slice.. oh nyum.. and the Manner wafers.. I had a glass or 2 of Reisling too.. I love this wine.. I love Austrian wine.. period.

I have surely gained.. I can feel it on my bloated tummy. I however, do not feel so bad. I dont know why. I know I have further delayed myself from goal. Maybe Im not feeling bad coz I know I had a good time too..or somehow I expected this so I have prepared my mind that there will be times that I just need to let go and enjoy with some control.

I am not going to weigh myself when I get back, I wasnt able to weigh myself on the day of my trip and none of the places I stayed at had a weighing scale.. i will stay on plan until my france trip (in 2wks) and I guess I will have to purchase another 8wks with the online CD..

On the last evening of the trip, I went clubbing with a colleague and drank more than I should :D Had fun though..

Ugh.. delays.. life.. willpower.. difficult to juggle all together..

Day 73:Busy Bee

Too many things going on at work. But I am on plan.

Taking food to conference? not taking food to conference?

UGggghhh!! I really do want to bring at least 2 days worth of food (except meal 1s) on my flight. (Will carry my scale as well..) its just that, if the immigration denies it, I am ok to leave the food there.. Its that just cant afford the hassle of being delayed. I am on tight timelines from landing to the conference.. 40 minutes to be exact.. if I get delayed just a bit, I may miss the opening of the conference.. not good.. :/

Should I just wing it? Stay close to Cohens food? :(

I can do this! I can do this! I can MFing do this!!!!!!!!!

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers and fruits taken. 2 DCs

Day 73, DV free..

Day 72: A Brand New Day

Woke up: + 1kg (thats +2kg from this weekend)

Why do I do that? Let my laziness get the best of me??

I had a look at my pics at the party, and Im looking good.. bordering on the skinny look... some shots well, (stolen shots tell more than the one when you are posing)I look like a drug addict (as my mom & dad put it). My problem areas pre-CD were all addressed to-- my arms and thighs have become skinny without any workout at all.

And now am thinking, if I look like this now, how will I look like at goal weight? should I stay at this weight or go on?

I will go on to goal weight. But Im not sure if I would like to stay there..

With the 2 days of deviation, I wonder how will I battle on this upcoming trip? I've been going back and forth about packing my 2 days worth of food.. I will have to take a chance because some say that immigration will not allow it.. it all depends on the immigration.. I dont know..

We will be renting an apartment, seems its cheaper, so I can cook there for the next 2days... hopefully..

Im getting a bit overwhelmed on how to deal with this..

I can get scared and succumb..

OR

I can use my head, make this as an experiment, a challenge, and actually prove to myself that I can be smart about this..

Today is like any other day, but I do have so many things to do before travelling. I need to shop for food and cook.. I need to get my nails done.. I need to take my cat to the groomers.. I need to buy a pair of trousers, coz none actually fit me now.

After work, I bought the groceries, got my new trousers, got a pair of luggage bags in purple :) - hard case, 360 wheel, on sale!! went home and prepacked my proteins and veggies to cook for the next few days.

All meals intact, vitamins, fruits, crackers, 1 DC taken. 3x antibiotics and 1 pain killer taken too..

Day 72, DV free.

Day 70 & 71: Self Sabotage Weekend

All that righteous talk, phewft! out the window...

No experiment, just giving in to old habits. And its not like there something emotional that happened. No, its just me being lazy, slacking off, taking a break, or whatever it is you want to call it. I was just lazy.

Me to me: "you arrogant $^%&^*&8!! "

These two days were full of deviations all brought about by boredome, laziness, and just pure slacking off..

I have given away my stock of Provita's as it does bring out the binge. It always starts with this.

Day 70: Cracker Doom

Since I ate only crackers yesterday evening, I didnt feel so hungry when I woke up this morning. I ate Meal 2 for breakfast.. and found myself eating Provita's for the rest of the day, topped off with Liver Spread from Germany + DC.

By the time I hit the beach with a friend, I felt so bloated, it hurt to even lie on my tummy to tan my back..

Bring in the birthday celebration.

Since I didnt cook today, I ate at my friend's party that I hosted. I tried a few of this and that, not really hogged (in my opinion), but didnt choose the type of food either, had a few:

- 5 forkfulls of the bavarian pork salad
- 3 spoonfulls of that pork knuckle
- 2 spoonfulls of smoked salmon
- 3 spoonfulls of baked potato with sour cream

It was the Maifest ey!  so pork, pork pork all around!
Im guessing what I ate is a normal sized plate, almost full..

But what killed me is the desserts. I had my own:

- 2scoops of vanilla ice cream+ strawberries + vanilla cream+ topped whipped cream+ with a dash of alcohol (i think its white wine?)

- 1 slice of that strawberry cheesecake

Both were so good, I didnt even feel sorry about it. I didnt touch any alcohol..

The night was fun though, almost whole night of dancing and singing with the band. We partied for 4 hours. The birthday celebrant got so drunk :D I had 20 guests for her birthday and all had a wonderful time.

Im good with events I reckon? :D

Went home, had a laxative tea, and slept.

Day 71: Heights of Laziness

Woke up at 12noon: +1kg

Slept, ate crackers, slept, ate crackers, slept. Didnt go to the grocery to shop, didnt cook. Was able to do 1 load of laundry (yay me! Not!).

I didnt feel like eating anything else. TV on the whole day. I ordered by 2pm:

- 2 Quanta Almond on stick

By 05pm:

- 2 Quanta Almond on stick
- 1 kitkat 4 fingers
- 1 cheetos cheese -big

By 08pm:

- I finished 1 pack of Provita I opened in the morning with the liver spread.

And thats that. I didnt eat anything substantial today.

I was supposed to go meet colleagues at the Maifest tent, but I couldnt get myself off the couch

I just slept througout the day.

This is an old weekend behaviour habit..

Day 70 & 71: Burnnnnn, NOT DV free, NOT in CD..

Day 69: Dangerously Hungry

Woke up: -500gms (100gms left to lose to get back to my weight before the binge experiment)

From today until Day 73, I will not weigh myself. I will just note my weight before I go for my duty trip which will call for eating off plan.

I had my breakfast at 8am and by the time I reached the office I was already hungry? Could it be because I had Meal 1 for dinner yesterday and Meal 1 for breakfast today? By 10:45, I have eaten 2 medium peaches! I was so hungry??!

By 4pm, im done with my crackers. I had 1 meal left to last me until bedtime.. and its Thursday! being the start of the weekend, it always ends at 2 or 3am!!

I was dangerously hungry all throughout the day!!! I cant think of anything but food!! I tried to keep myself busy by visiting one of the biggest travel exhibitions in the country for 3hrs.. It didnt help, because each and every stall is over flowing with canapes, bagels, chocolates and desserts!

I dont think this is craving.. this is hunger, I can feel it in my gut, my tummy. I am not thinking of a specific food but the hunger feels like originating from my midsection..

I told my consultant about this. Lets see what will they reply.

Could I be detoxing 5days later? Is it all in my head?

Decided to answer the 2nd question by not giving in to the hunger.. I have 1 meal left. No crackers, no fruits with me. I could have easily gone down to the grocery and bought bisquits.

I gritted my teeth and drank water.

I drove towards the dentist with a grumbling tummy. I was literally gripping the steering wheel when a hunger pang comes over. I was hoping the dentist session will dissipate my hunger.

It did not. But the painful session helped me to stay off food for a while as I couldnt chew..

"Grumble.. grumble.. grumble.." says my tummy

Had my dinner by 9pm.

"Grumble.."

Today we have another Maifest event, and I am glad to be skipping it due to my dentist appointment..

I cant even begin thinking about tomorrow. Its my bestie's birthday..

I finished with the dentist in pain, 1 nerve is not dry yet, least to say I ended up crying in the chair. Temp filling back on.

I had the extra 5 crackers and my consultant has said to take in this situation, so as to avoid the possibility of deviating. BUT I HAD MORE..  I thought this too shall PASS...but it didnt.. cracker overdose

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers and fruits taken.  2 DCs and lots of water.

Day 69, NOT DV free

"Grumble.. grumble.. grumble.."

Day 68: Between a Smile and Scowl =Smowl? :D

Woke up: - 400gms (600gms more to lose from the binge experiment)

Im wearing a really nice get up today.. Im so happy with it.. I got a lot of compliments as well.. Whenever Im in the pantry getting water or coffee, and a colleague is there, there is always a compliment on my weight loss.. tee hee.. happy me..

My bestie came for a while to have coffee with me. We are excited about our Vienna trip next week.. while her birthday is this weekend.. All arrangements done too..

Good times :)

But.. Hmpf!

I know I have no reason to scowl today, except for the fact that I can taste the temporary filling on my tooth, that I am taking the antibiotics + pain killers, and that my question to the consultant was answered like this (after asking abt the anesthesia, antibiotics and pain killer effects):

Thank you for your e-mail.

Please continue to follow your eating plan ? this will result in the best possible progress.

We wish you a speedy recovery!

Regards

The 1st Personal Diet Team

I scoff..

Tonight was our hosted night for the Maifest and I didnt have my last meal with me. I went for yoga and then bought myself some greek yogurt and ate it with a pear. Gladly, with the DCs and water, I lasted through the evening.

The maifest was sooo much fun, the tent is almost packed on a Wednesday and guests were all merry, drunk and bright :D dancing on benches on famous German and Austrian music :)

All meals taken on time, vitamins, fruits and crackers too. 3DCs..

Day 67, DV free.

Day 67: Oh... You Dont know Pain!!

Until you wake up at 1:30 am with this excruciating tooth ache that makes you cry and scream! On top of that, being in the middle of the night, you have to bear the pain for 8 more hours before you can go to the dentist.

Pain killers? You decide to skip it, as you dont want to risk your weighloss further.

By 10 am, you find out, you need a root canal.  And there goes the optional money you kept for a new(cheap) LED TV.

WHAT THE FOOOOOOKKKK!!!

(Disclaimer: I cannot even imagine the pain of childbirth nor am I saying that this is more painful.. but still :'( )

This is how my day started. I couldnt sleep because of the pain and by noon I had the 1st phase of the root canal process, with 2 more visits to the dentist in 7 days.

Of course, the scale didn budge at all. Havent gotten rid of the last kg gained during binge experiment.

Worse, I had 3 anesthesia's today, 1 topical (it was pineapple flavored and sweet) and  injectables

Worst, I have to be in antibiotics 3x a day and pain medication 2x a day for 5 days!!!

There goes my weight loss..

Im just glad I cooked my 3days worth of meals yesterday.

I emailed my consultant about the medications (Megamox 625mg and Dolgit)..havent heard from them yet.. Feeling sad about this.

FOOOOOOOOOOOKKKK!!

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers, and fruits taken. No DC..
Day 67, DV free.

Day 66: My Kung Fu Is Strong

Woke up: -2kgs (1 kg more to loose from what was gained during the Binge Experiment)

Alright.. I think Im good.

I have decided to keep having the Provitas in the hope of being able to control myself in having them. I want to harness my self control when it comes to food. FOOD cannot RULE me! I was able to keep up with the crispbread timings for today , but I finished my allowance as early as 3pm.

i have also decided to reduce my fruit intake to 1 a day for as long as I can do it, just having a 2nd fruit when it is really needed..

I am so pepped up after that weekend that I am going to switch up my meals so bad over the next few days that my body will be so confused and has no other option but to lose the last remaining kilos [hopefully] fast!! uff!

hiyaaaaa!!

ok.. that coffee this morning was way too strong i guess :D

By 4pm, I felt hungry even though i was busy.. What could be causing this afternoon hunger that I keep having????? I didnt have my chromium today, but the past few days that i was having it, I dont really notice a difference with my cravings/hunger.. :/

Nothing much to report, well back on EP.. and surprisingly.. no detox?? or maybe not so much for me to notice.. or maybe im so busy to notice.. or maybe the hunger in the afternoon was the detox part??

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers, 1 fruit and 1 DC taken

Day 66, DV free..

Day 65: Post Experiment

I am still feeling the repercussions of my Binge experiment.

Woke up: +2kgs total of 3kgs ---> will be weighing daily until I get rid of these 3kgs. Afterwards, I will only update when I order refeed at 59kgs..

Tummy: Bloated, cramping and gassy ---> all througout the day.. I did poop well today though.. so that helped with the cramping (sorry, too much info)

I got up today with the same determination to continue on the plan DV free. Somehow, I even felt recharged after it. Ready to face the next few weeks.

The weight gained was the risk I took to be able to do what I did. I have no qualms, no regrets about it.

This body fat, has nowhere to go but out of me. I will see through it.

Anyhoo, I had a meeting today wherein this guy, had bought me lunch from costa - chicken salad and a muffin. Good thing is it came packed so I told him I will have it after our meeting. The choco muffin looked so tempting and gooey. Right after the meeting, I called my friend and asked her if she wanted my lunch.. She took it..

Whew.

I had beef patties for lunch today! I had the beef minced at the butchers. But I feel like the quantity is actually more than what it is showing on the scales? Weird. I mixed it with grated zucchini, garlic, onion, and green bell pepper and made them into patties! The remaining veg was cabbage and mushroom as sides..

Today is our Staff Meet - Spidey 2 4D X movie and dinner -- skipped the popcorn and dinner. I had my CD meal and DC during dinner..

All meals intact, vitamins, 4 crackers, 1 fruit (all from orig EP), and 3 DCs taken today

Day 65, DV free.

Day 63-64: Binge cum Experiment

 

You may frown on it, diss it, call me stupid, but somehow, I tried to make the 2 binge days a positive by trying to learn from it.

I classify these 2 days as learning from my own mistakes.. first hand..

Ive been reading it on the other diaries and I did take heed and followed them to the T. 61 days of being deviation free.. But I always believe that each person NEEDS to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Telling them really doesnt cut it. The lesson is learned but not ingrained.

None of these non-CD foods were offered to me nor did they serve as temptations around me that I have given in to. I have intentionally chosen each of these food to deviate from the program.

So here goes..

Day 63: Unplanned Experiment Day

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> try again to prove whether or not it brings the binge desire out (it tastes better than Ryvita!)

2) Chocolates - capacity has reduced --> Good but needs to improve, find a way to eliminate OR find a fail-safe way of slowly eliminating from system

Despite sleeping at 5am, I woke up at 12, prepared my breakfast and ate by 12:30, with the intention of putting my Provita Whole Wheat Crispbread indulgence away forever! I brought my foster cat to the lady who brings him for adoption days and came back home and chilled..

3pm: feeling hungry.. ate 2 crispbreads

3:30: still feeling hungry.. control.. focus, you can eat a fruit after an hour

4pm: had 1 peach..

4:30: antsy.. I want those crispbreads and mayo sooooo bad.. watched tv..

5PM: cooked my lunch.. nibbled on 1 crispbread.

5:30: Had my lunch.. went back to the kitchen, picked the whole pack and mayo.. and started dunking these crispbreads and hogged from here..

6pm: Satisfied and full..

7pm: feeling curious... what would I feel if I eat chocolates the way I did--> 3 kinder bueno bars (3 x 4sticks= 12 sticks) in one sitting..

Honestly people, I could have not had ordered this.. I've been pretty honest with my entries and I was ok at this point to forgo this..

But as my username suggests, Risque... I wanted to see how I will react to this.. What will happen to me? I know its counter intuitive, but whatever..lets see..

Ordered the kinder buenos, and ate them in one sitting. By the time I was done with the 8sticks.. I was feeling stuffed already.. my throat had started to ache a bit.. BUT I still ate the last four..

8pm: observing what I was feeling after the choco binge:

1) throat a bit hurting.. tongue too
2) queasy
3) but ok..

9:30pm: I ordered the following salty junk:

1 cheetos cheese BIG pack
1 original pringles SMALL
1 kitkat 4 fingers
1 diet coke

I FINISHED ALL OF THESE while watching 3 episodes of Greys Anatomy.. what I felt:

- dizzy
- stomach cramps
- gassy

No dinner, was too stuffed. I slept at 3am.. I couldnt sleep with the tummy full..

Day 63, not DV free..
--------------


Day 64: Come as it may Experiment Day

Woke up: +1kg

The experiment continues..

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- definitely brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> AVOID!! switch back to ryvita and finn crisp

2) Stomach food capacity had shrunk ---Although I can still eat the way I used too, I know the point on when I should stop.---> Good

3) Chocolate appetite --- not the same. the chocolates dont bring in that 'orgasmic' satisfaction, from any type of chocolate ---> Great. Do not even think of starting to develop the gusto for it after refeed..

4) Self control --- good but still dodgy--> better reign it in NOW


09am: CD breakfast

10am: shopping-- well initially for groceries but ended up shopping for bra's, shoes and clothes.. there goes my money for my new TV!! :D

2pm: 1 peach

2:30pm: 2 Provita Whole Wheat Crispbreads, prepared my CD lunch, had my lunch by 3

3:30pm: was feeling hungry, had 1 mango

4:00pm: antsy, I want those crispbreads so bad!!

4:30pm: found myself dunking those crispbreads into that mayo..half the pack.. done!

5:00pm: found myself eating the rest of the pack and dunking it into greek yogurt

6:00pm: self loathing, went to the small grocery down my building, to buy corriander leaves, but ended up buying these as well:

- kitkat 4 fingers - dark
- kitkat 4 fingers - orig
- cadbury hazelnut
- kinder bueno bar
- snickers bar
- qanta almond ice cream stick x 2

06-09pm: BINGE galore.. I am not proud.. I was so stuffed.. started with the 2 ice cream sticks and
I had a bite of each one.. and eventualy finished everything except the kinder bueno. I really couldnt.

10pm: cooked my meals for the next 2 days..

10:30pm: ordered Nando's peri peri chicken (1/2 chicken) +1 portuguese bread roll

11:30pm: ate my chicken with gusto in front of the TV while watching Eat.. Pray.. Love..

I felt sick and full that I slept at 3am..

Why did I do this? All CD veterans will not agree with me on this. I will admit, I gave in to the temptation. But I SERIOUSLY could have said NO and stop myself. Seriously, I could.

My kung-fu is strong :P

Not all of you will believe that one, I do doubt it too, a bit. But at that moment when I was buying those goodies, I did hesitate, I did put it down. But I thought, this is my chance to fully see what this mistake will bring me. Call it a controlled experiment.. but that what was going on inside my head.

NOW LETS PUT THIS ALL BEHIND. I AM DONE.

Day 64, not DV free..

Day 62: My First Deliberate Deviation

I've carried on this low and sad feeling throughout the day and even in the evening. To top it off I was so hungry the whole day!! Why am I so hungry?? All the time??  I finished my cracker allowance even before it was time to go home. Before reaching home, i had 1 fruit. I was so hungry at some points in the day that I felt almost dizzy... and very low in energy..

I reached home, slept it off, thinking that everything seems better upon waking.. But its not.. and Im hungry! So i thought, Im going to have the extra 5 crackers and a fruit recommended by my consultant when such things happen..

I opened a packet of whole wheat povita. And it tasted  sooooooo much better than the ryvita's and finn crisp..not to mention easier to measure.. How could I have missed this in the supermarket???

I started to prepare and cook my dinner and by the time I finished I had 3 crackers.. and by the time I finished my dinner, I've had 6... and was feeling quite full.. and I didnt stop there.. I took the low fat mayo, and started dipping the crackers there.. :( I think I finished about 20 crackers on top of my daily allowance..

And I felt so full and nauseous. I want to puke it out, poop it out.. something!! I felt my tummy bloated.. So I sat down and wrote this.. what had just happened???

I have actually deviated.. with a Cohen approved food.. and I felt this bad already? What more if I deviated with a non CD friendly food???

I got up, got ready as it was th weekend here. I was meeting a friend for shisha, and I was still feeling so so so low..  by the time I stepped out the house, the queasiness is gone.. that was quick

We went to the shisha place and he ordered a carbonara pasta.. and he offered me.. I love carbonara and he knew I would have it. I said no.. although Ireally wanted a taste. He said, "Dont eat, just taste it.." hmm makes sense..

But I was having this internal debate:

" I already deviated, why not just have a bite or 2 and start over tomorow? Makes sense"

Then another part of me said " No. You already have deviated. Keep the deviation minimal as deviating with a CD approved food. Dont go all out blowing it by having that pasta!!"

And I didnt, I just had my DC and my shisha..

But I dont know whats wrong with me today. I reached home at 2, found myself reachin for those provitas, too my fat free Philadelphia cheese  and ate 10 crackers more.. followed by a fruit... Shame on me!!

Stomach bloated..

What I realized about deviations? If it happens, then it happens, but we all must need to know WHEN to CUT our LOSSES, and stop the deviation from being a full blown disaster... cut the losses short its tracks.. and move on.. You dont have to fully fall off the bus.

But what happened to me was, I was about to fall off, caught the rails and hanging on the moving bus, and chose to stay on hanging on that rail instead of trying to fully climb back on..

Shame..

Im just crossing my fingers that by having this "cheat" I would have given my leptin a boost for tomorrow. I will have to go for a walk or something

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers, fruits and 2 DCs taken today.

Day 62, not DV free..

Feeling Alone

The day started good.. I was in an upbeat mood but by noon time, I felt the energy and the good vibes going. By 1pm I was feeling quite low.. really low..and I know why.. Its one of them single ladies thoughts..


"Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too"

I never had a problem with being single, I actually am comfortable being single.. Im not the type who needs constant companionship or assurance.. I can be with a group of couples and be fine with it.

When my friends read this post, they would be surprised that Im having such thoughts. Im so good at being single hehehe...

Its just that there are times when you miss being loved and cared for by a significant other. Someone to make you smile randomly in a day. Someone who shares your woes and fears.. That exclusivity feeling, that its just you and him.. Most of all, I miss actually loving someone and that someone is not one of my friends but someone special and dear to me only..

How come Im still single? I dont think Im ugly, I have a sense of humor, I am articulate, friendly, and I am no longer fat.. I am active.. going outside with friends, doing activities, and def not hibernating.. Then how come?I havent had a date for as long as I can remember?? Is it because Im old (33)? Is it because I am Asian and I wouldn take crap from anyone??

I never had problems with dates before.. I seriously feel that the sincerity of dating here has flown out the window..

Thing is, in this country, racism is very prevalent, especially with the Asian nationalities.. Im not generalizing but most people here see us as either after the passport of the "white" people or just for a "good" time esp with the Arabs. Well I really cannot blame them, there would have been a basis for that ey? But its not fair. So I myself am careful or biased towards Arab nationals.. and the "white" people I know, I find them too conceited (im not after your fucking passport!shove that passport up your ass!!) and the ones I see act like they're god's gift to women. And oh, by the way most of them feel like gods as this country favors them like anything.. such as being given a way bigger salary being as compared to their Asian counterparts..

I dont want to sound like this, but sometimes it is really too much. Like people here dont really see you as for who you are but just for a good lay or for the color of your skin or your hair. It is really depressing.

And whats more, in my 2 years of singlehood, no one had even bothered to get to know me better..

Maybe i just have a huge "fuck off" sign on my forehead. OR maybe im just not likeable...

Is it really so hard to find someone geniunely interested in me? OR someone decent? What happened to good old fashioned dating??

And as usual, the good ones are already taken.

Im done with this pity crap..

I'll be single if that's the way it is. I seriously refuse to be treated like an item.. like a commodity.. like someone without worth..

no.. thank you very much..

ROUND UP-> Week 5 to 8 & Results

 

Here it goes people.. After 4 more weeks, I am now at 63.2kgs! A loss of 5kgs from week 4.

Boom! Im was just expecting a 4kg loss due to the slow movement in scales, but I guess the meal switching helped! :)))))

It was just 61days ago that I weighed 13.7kgs and 3 sizes more, and I cant believe the very visible changes that had happened to me. If I hadnt taken that first step to get rid of my excess weight 2 years back, and levelled up almost 2 years later when I hit my all time plateau weight and size, I wouldnt be here..

I always say.. Persistence is Key.. and now Im almost there.. or honestly, I think Im just a few steps away from my acceptable weight and size..

First up, I am a size 6UK?! Ok maybe I am in between 8 and 6 (so a 7) but I do fit in a size 6.

Second, I lost a good 10.4kgs ALL from body fat only.. I have lost 2kgs of muscle so far, which I dont have any problems to gain back once Im on maintainance.

Third, I am now at my thinnest.. EVER!

Fourth, my BMI of 22.4 is now well within the normal range and I am almost there to reach my personal goal of 20.

Fifth, my % body fat is just mindboggling for me.. I never thought I would be at 24.2% body fat ?! whew.. I didnt have a goal here, but just thinking if ever I reach 20%, I would be super lean!!! Just thinking about this gets me excited!!!

Lastly (well last for the most important stuff :D), is that I was able to do this.. 99% deviation free!! I mean, I actually was able to stick to a diet plan well. I know I have 6kgs more to lose to achieve the Cohen target weight, but I am almost there.

If it werent for the program, I would really say that this is enough. I am happy with this weight and size..

But of course, I will reach that 57kg goal weight.. I need my buffer for my maintainance and my rebuild phase.. which for all I know could go out of control.

I have a few concerns though:

1) My face has become too thin (?).. The people around me are pleased with the weightloss but they all comment on my face, that a little fat in it would look much better.. and I agree

2) My breasts and hips had reduced to a good 36.5inches.. BUT my waist is 28.. I am afraid that I am losing my proportion.. OR I dont like how slow my waist is shrinking as compared to my bust and hips.. Is there anything I can do with this? Could it be loose skin????

3) My calves are about to lose the fat around them, and I am left with my muscular calves.. My thighs had gone down significantly.. but now my calves look bulky for the size of my thighs.. what can I do to make my calf muscle become leaner/elongated? This has frustrated me ever since

I am now seeing what needs to be improved for my Rebuild phase.. I need to consult Professor Google, to find out solutions for these- waist, calves and overall toning up..

I guess my face and my girls will somehow fill up after refeed..????

I have taken my measurements, but I seem to have made a mistake of measuring my arms and legs (those highlighted in moccha) coz the tape measure tells me I have gone up a few cms? how is that possible? I will have to double check again later and update this.. just doesnt make sense to me. Full measurements here

Time for Round 3.. Week 9-12..

Day 61: Bring It On!

Today marks the first day of my event packed days which will test my will power the most.

Jill: No. But I just walked past three sales
and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?
(IT FEELS LIKE THIS :D)

After setting up at 5pm, I had time to kill at the hotel. Im glad I bought a book with me. While waiting I was seriously considering to order my favorite cheesecake. But didnt! :) I convinced myself that I can have this cheesecake some other time..

We launched the Maifest tonight, and the tent was almost packed :). The food looked marvelous! I miss my veal schnitzels and that strawberry vanilla cup ice cream. I have been recommending it to my colleagues, and when they had a taste, they went nuts for it.. AHHHH.. I certainly know my desserts...

The band was excellent, the place filled with fun people, standing on benches to dance, drink, and just be merry. I was with my colleagues and all of them ate all the German food on the menu and some of them drank.

I STUCK TO MY PLAN FOOD- MEAL 1 + 1 peach, and chugged a total of 3 DCs.

Boo yah! Victory is mine! (for today)

Day 61, DV free.