42nd Day: Choco Fear

Another week..

I informed my consultant about the 3 days I was off plan and asked if she has tips for me to recover my losses quicker (if there is such a thing). She just said to stick to the most filling meals and that the first 4 days will be hard..  😒

I can't help but feel that it is unfair! I was pushed in a situation that is really OUT OF MY CONTROL and now I'm suffering for it and will suffer for who knows how long.

I'm not updating my ticker and will only record my losses. 20 kgs to go.. goal weight seems so far away.

Good thing today is, a colleague noticed my weight loss.. thank God somebody noticed!!

I think I will break for several slabs of my
favorite chocolate brand - Läderach 💓💓💓

Reached home this evening and my bf was craving for chocolates. He took the liberty of being off his plan while I was away and I said "NO!". I was in fact afraid to let chocolates back inside the house. I seriously felt that once they are back, we're in for a downward spiral.

After reading as much as I could on the forum and on the wide web, I know that right now, I'm holding the floodgates really well, but if I slip.. I would be sorry for it..

I'm glad he listened. But my mind wandered off to my favorite chocolate brand Laederach. Gosh, I would love a piece of this.. This is the only chocolate that I didnt eat in 1 sitting. A small piece was enough to curb the craving. I bought around 40 CHF worth of chocos at that time. It was/is expensive, but it lasted me for 2 weeks, instead of 2 days!! 

Love... love.. love... :(

How do I get to the point that I can control my chocolate intake? That I dont end up eating a whole pack every single time? My mind just answered -- AWARENESS. I just need to be aware and sensible all the time. But, easier said than done huh?

Day 42: All meals, crackers, & vits taken on time. No fruits. 1 DC. Deviation free

Day 73: Time spent but not wasted

Or is it?

It’s been two weeks since I wrote and I think it has been almost a month that I’ve been struggling to be deviation free. There were days that I was good but yet I failed in the evenings and there were other days that I wasn’t on plan at all, whether it’s not eating at all then having whatever is available to totally eating out of plan.

Anyway, today marks the first day of being deviation free. I thought of continuing the number of days because this time I think I’m just going to go ahead with it, than “starting over” on e-paper (mind tricks eh?).

I mostly occupy my free time (morning and evening drives) listening to a book called the Values Factor by John Demartini. Very insightful, a lot of aha moments, and a lot of work in order to get your values and priorities sorted and aligned in all aspects. I’m just listening to it, I haven’t done all exercises, because this will need some time. It’s like a proper course! :D But given that I haven’t done any of the work yet, I have learned so much already.

I don’t know what else to say. I have wasted my time in terms of reaching goal, but not really much so. I had a life going on – meeting with friends, going out with my bf, networking. It’s not all bad. It is bad for Cohen goal but I have to see the positives of it than beating myself up over it. I’m tired of that.

Today wasn’t particularly easy, I was craving for chocolates like anything. I don’t understand it. I had to google why and it all has to do with the rewards mechanism that we have in our brains, as eating delicious chocolates that releases the happy hormone dopamine. I also found out that we didn’t have to learn to like chocolates, as soon as our brain recognizes the benefit, it acquires that automatically and the brain gets hardwired to it. Phew.

Next, I googled how to beat the chocolate cravings. Tons of advice – i.e. eat a healthy sweet like fruits, talk a walk and then see if you still want one, negotiate with yourself, have a few squares (hah! We all know how’s that going to go), switch to dark. Thing is, I know all of these, but I still have chocolates in my mind. I’m not craving for anything sweet, I am particularly looking for chocolates. I don’t know what kept me going, but I survived today.

I started with Pilates too. I had my first class yesterday (Reformer Core), I liked it. I was booked for the same today but I missed it as I have to work late, and I took the Pilates SQ, it’s a step higher than the basic one to which I did fairly well, the instructor said so, that for a beginner, I was good. I like Pilates. I 've always wanted to do it for as long as I can remember, the proper ones, but it was just way too expensive for me (it still is). I have 5 trial class which the cost works ok for me, that’s why I went for it.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now and tomorrow I will brave a reconciliation with Wilma (my online consultant).

Day 73: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance. Vits taken, no DC

Mood = ok

Hunger = craving for chocolate, but not hungry for food.

EDay 2: Holey Moley..

Ok.. today was... ugh!

 

There was a birthday celebrant in the office and she had her carrot cake for everyone around 10:30 in the morning.. on top of that, she pulled out, 2 big bowls of lindt choco balls!!!

 

I bravely said "No thank you." but  my head was saying: "kill me.. kill me now!"

 

I took a few of those chocolates for the bf. Seriously.. how tough am I? hahahaha

 

Around 12pm, I realize.. dang! Oktoberfest is coming up.. and I realized I will be around 3 wks in if I keep this up.. Office will be having hosted events, similar to the Maifest ones I organized for our agents.

 

Will I be as strong enough then?

 

Then at 2pm, I realized.. dang! If I do this straight, I figured it will take 2 months to lose the weight that I have to lose and that will be exactly 7days away from my next trip.. And this trip is a trip back home.  Itinerary is not final yet, but what I know is that I have 2 clubbing nights, 1 hen's night and 1 wedding to attend to.

 

Should I start refeed earlier so I dont sabotage this???

Im getting ahead of myself and I am not even over the 10day detox period. Or the 1st wkend challenge.

 

At 5pm, colleague came in and distributed chocolate muffins for everyone. Took 2, to be given to the bf. This is not good... for him :D

 

Hmmm..

 

Today was alright. Had to endure the popcorn and nacho smell as I watched Maze Runner..

 

All meals taken on time (well dinner at 10), vitamins, fruits and crackers too. 2DCs.

 

EDay 2: DV free.

BDay 8-9: Easing in

BDay 8

So I failed to be DV free yesterday.

But, I honestly feel loads better today.. I feel like my face is less bloated.. My colds had somewhat turned down a notch, I feel lighter also.. Im stressing on the word 'feel' coz my tummy is protruding.. its depressing..

Anyway.. another day..

Reached home, ate 1 packet of provitas (!!) but CHOCOLATE AND JUNK FREE TODAY!! whooopeee!!

Ate CD breakfast and lunch, no dinner (fell asleep from 7pm), 2 DCs.

BDay 8, not DV free.



ohhhmm nommm nomm nommm

BDay 9
I am amazed on how sugar affects the body.. For the past weeks that I have been bingeing on chocolates (big time), each day/ next morning, I always felt bloated esp. my face., my overall mood is that of sad or off, I've had consistent colds, and my weight had shot up like anything.

But in just 2 days of reducing my sugar intake significantly (BDay 7- had 1 bar of chocolate, and BDay 8 - no chocolates at all), I felt totally different - the bloatedness [feeling] in my face is totally gone (not in my tummy though :( ), and I really felt loads better mood-wise..

Despite the odd sleep time I had yesterday (slept early, woke up at 12mn, couldnt sleep til 4am), I am upbeat and chirpy :D today and all I can think of is that from today onwards, I can do this.. I can do the CD clean path (Or so I thought)

Breakfast and lunch taken today.. lunch was late.. woke up late due to the Germany -  Brazil match.. BTW, what was that all about??? Brazil was humiliated in their own territority! yikes! 

Binged on Provitas again! :(

had 2 full pakistani mangoes.. yummmm

didnt have dinner.. fell asleep around 7.. woke up now (10:45) completed this entry bec I would.like to sleep.again...if I cook.. i will lose my sleep..

BDay 9, not DV free..

Day 63-64: Binge cum Experiment

 

You may frown on it, diss it, call me stupid, but somehow, I tried to make the 2 binge days a positive by trying to learn from it.

I classify these 2 days as learning from my own mistakes.. first hand..

Ive been reading it on the other diaries and I did take heed and followed them to the T. 61 days of being deviation free.. But I always believe that each person NEEDS to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Telling them really doesnt cut it. The lesson is learned but not ingrained.

None of these non-CD foods were offered to me nor did they serve as temptations around me that I have given in to. I have intentionally chosen each of these food to deviate from the program.

So here goes..

Day 63: Unplanned Experiment Day

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> try again to prove whether or not it brings the binge desire out (it tastes better than Ryvita!)

2) Chocolates - capacity has reduced --> Good but needs to improve, find a way to eliminate OR find a fail-safe way of slowly eliminating from system

Despite sleeping at 5am, I woke up at 12, prepared my breakfast and ate by 12:30, with the intention of putting my Provita Whole Wheat Crispbread indulgence away forever! I brought my foster cat to the lady who brings him for adoption days and came back home and chilled..

3pm: feeling hungry.. ate 2 crispbreads

3:30: still feeling hungry.. control.. focus, you can eat a fruit after an hour

4pm: had 1 peach..

4:30: antsy.. I want those crispbreads and mayo sooooo bad.. watched tv..

5PM: cooked my lunch.. nibbled on 1 crispbread.

5:30: Had my lunch.. went back to the kitchen, picked the whole pack and mayo.. and started dunking these crispbreads and hogged from here..

6pm: Satisfied and full..

7pm: feeling curious... what would I feel if I eat chocolates the way I did--> 3 kinder bueno bars (3 x 4sticks= 12 sticks) in one sitting..

Honestly people, I could have not had ordered this.. I've been pretty honest with my entries and I was ok at this point to forgo this..

But as my username suggests, Risque... I wanted to see how I will react to this.. What will happen to me? I know its counter intuitive, but whatever..lets see..

Ordered the kinder buenos, and ate them in one sitting. By the time I was done with the 8sticks.. I was feeling stuffed already.. my throat had started to ache a bit.. BUT I still ate the last four..

8pm: observing what I was feeling after the choco binge:

1) throat a bit hurting.. tongue too
2) queasy
3) but ok..

9:30pm: I ordered the following salty junk:

1 cheetos cheese BIG pack
1 original pringles SMALL
1 kitkat 4 fingers
1 diet coke

I FINISHED ALL OF THESE while watching 3 episodes of Greys Anatomy.. what I felt:

- dizzy
- stomach cramps
- gassy

No dinner, was too stuffed. I slept at 3am.. I couldnt sleep with the tummy full..

Day 63, not DV free..
--------------


Day 64: Come as it may Experiment Day

Woke up: +1kg

The experiment continues..

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- definitely brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> AVOID!! switch back to ryvita and finn crisp

2) Stomach food capacity had shrunk ---Although I can still eat the way I used too, I know the point on when I should stop.---> Good

3) Chocolate appetite --- not the same. the chocolates dont bring in that 'orgasmic' satisfaction, from any type of chocolate ---> Great. Do not even think of starting to develop the gusto for it after refeed..

4) Self control --- good but still dodgy--> better reign it in NOW


09am: CD breakfast

10am: shopping-- well initially for groceries but ended up shopping for bra's, shoes and clothes.. there goes my money for my new TV!! :D

2pm: 1 peach

2:30pm: 2 Provita Whole Wheat Crispbreads, prepared my CD lunch, had my lunch by 3

3:30pm: was feeling hungry, had 1 mango

4:00pm: antsy, I want those crispbreads so bad!!

4:30pm: found myself dunking those crispbreads into that mayo..half the pack.. done!

5:00pm: found myself eating the rest of the pack and dunking it into greek yogurt

6:00pm: self loathing, went to the small grocery down my building, to buy corriander leaves, but ended up buying these as well:

- kitkat 4 fingers - dark
- kitkat 4 fingers - orig
- cadbury hazelnut
- kinder bueno bar
- snickers bar
- qanta almond ice cream stick x 2

06-09pm: BINGE galore.. I am not proud.. I was so stuffed.. started with the 2 ice cream sticks and
I had a bite of each one.. and eventualy finished everything except the kinder bueno. I really couldnt.

10pm: cooked my meals for the next 2 days..

10:30pm: ordered Nando's peri peri chicken (1/2 chicken) +1 portuguese bread roll

11:30pm: ate my chicken with gusto in front of the TV while watching Eat.. Pray.. Love..

I felt sick and full that I slept at 3am..

Why did I do this? All CD veterans will not agree with me on this. I will admit, I gave in to the temptation. But I SERIOUSLY could have said NO and stop myself. Seriously, I could.

My kung-fu is strong :P

Not all of you will believe that one, I do doubt it too, a bit. But at that moment when I was buying those goodies, I did hesitate, I did put it down. But I thought, this is my chance to fully see what this mistake will bring me. Call it a controlled experiment.. but that what was going on inside my head.

NOW LETS PUT THIS ALL BEHIND. I AM DONE.

Day 64, not DV free..