42nd Day: Choco Fear

Another week..

I informed my consultant about the 3 days I was off plan and asked if she has tips for me to recover my losses quicker (if there is such a thing). She just said to stick to the most filling meals and that the first 4 days will be hard..  😒

I can't help but feel that it is unfair! I was pushed in a situation that is really OUT OF MY CONTROL and now I'm suffering for it and will suffer for who knows how long.

I'm not updating my ticker and will only record my losses. 20 kgs to go.. goal weight seems so far away.

Good thing today is, a colleague noticed my weight loss.. thank God somebody noticed!!

I think I will break for several slabs of my
favorite chocolate brand - Läderach 💓💓💓

Reached home this evening and my bf was craving for chocolates. He took the liberty of being off his plan while I was away and I said "NO!". I was in fact afraid to let chocolates back inside the house. I seriously felt that once they are back, we're in for a downward spiral.

After reading as much as I could on the forum and on the wide web, I know that right now, I'm holding the floodgates really well, but if I slip.. I would be sorry for it..

I'm glad he listened. But my mind wandered off to my favorite chocolate brand Laederach. Gosh, I would love a piece of this.. This is the only chocolate that I didnt eat in 1 sitting. A small piece was enough to curb the craving. I bought around 40 CHF worth of chocos at that time. It was/is expensive, but it lasted me for 2 weeks, instead of 2 days!! 

Love... love.. love... :(

How do I get to the point that I can control my chocolate intake? That I dont end up eating a whole pack every single time? My mind just answered -- AWARENESS. I just need to be aware and sensible all the time. But, easier said than done huh?

Day 42: All meals, crackers, & vits taken on time. No fruits. 1 DC. Deviation free

Hanging by a thread

It's been so long since I've written and I have been sidetracked for a very long time. Its all a good mix of unfamiliar territories with regards to my career that went kaput last year, laziness, emotional eating, self defeating thoughts, fear and a whole lot of self doubt burying it all with junk food, Netflix, mindless surfing and disconnecting.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I am so out of control with every aspect of my life. Some people will think I'm exaggerating because I have been making efforts to cope, just the bare minimum to get me by. But its a struggle to get my shit together, I feel like a fraud, I'm no good but I'm trying my best to disprove myself. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with keeping up with appearances. If it is, then I'm doing a terrible job.

I've been asking myself for the past 8 months "how do I turn this around?". I know the answers to this question and I know its not a question of how, its a question of when.

Yesterday 08/09/18 - I have decided I've had enough. Enough of this. Enough of being a self made loser. I'm a brave person. I'm a smart woman and I am beautiful. Why am I wasting my time not being all of that?

I need to get my ducks in a row... no, I want to get my ducks in a row and do myself a favor. Even if it means starting all over again at 37 without a clean slate, so be it. I just have to buck up.

I am not out yet! - Although as I type that, a cloud of fear and self doubt just came over me.

Let's do this!