Hanging by a thread

It's been so long since I've written and I have been sidetracked for a very long time. Its all a good mix of unfamiliar territories with regards to my career that went kaput last year, laziness, emotional eating, self defeating thoughts, fear and a whole lot of self doubt burying it all with junk food, Netflix, mindless surfing and disconnecting.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I am so out of control with every aspect of my life. Some people will think I'm exaggerating because I have been making efforts to cope, just the bare minimum to get me by. But its a struggle to get my shit together, I feel like a fraud, I'm no good but I'm trying my best to disprove myself. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with keeping up with appearances. If it is, then I'm doing a terrible job.

I've been asking myself for the past 8 months "how do I turn this around?". I know the answers to this question and I know its not a question of how, its a question of when.

Yesterday 08/09/18 - I have decided I've had enough. Enough of this. Enough of being a self made loser. I'm a brave person. I'm a smart woman and I am beautiful. Why am I wasting my time not being all of that?

I need to get my ducks in a row... no, I want to get my ducks in a row and do myself a favor. Even if it means starting all over again at 37 without a clean slate, so be it. I just have to buck up.

I am not out yet! - Although as I type that, a cloud of fear and self doubt just came over me.

Let's do this!