Day 73: Time spent but not wasted

Or is it?

It’s been two weeks since I wrote and I think it has been almost a month that I’ve been struggling to be deviation free. There were days that I was good but yet I failed in the evenings and there were other days that I wasn’t on plan at all, whether it’s not eating at all then having whatever is available to totally eating out of plan.

Anyway, today marks the first day of being deviation free. I thought of continuing the number of days because this time I think I’m just going to go ahead with it, than “starting over” on e-paper (mind tricks eh?).

I mostly occupy my free time (morning and evening drives) listening to a book called the Values Factor by John Demartini. Very insightful, a lot of aha moments, and a lot of work in order to get your values and priorities sorted and aligned in all aspects. I’m just listening to it, I haven’t done all exercises, because this will need some time. It’s like a proper course! :D But given that I haven’t done any of the work yet, I have learned so much already.

I don’t know what else to say. I have wasted my time in terms of reaching goal, but not really much so. I had a life going on – meeting with friends, going out with my bf, networking. It’s not all bad. It is bad for Cohen goal but I have to see the positives of it than beating myself up over it. I’m tired of that.

Today wasn’t particularly easy, I was craving for chocolates like anything. I don’t understand it. I had to google why and it all has to do with the rewards mechanism that we have in our brains, as eating delicious chocolates that releases the happy hormone dopamine. I also found out that we didn’t have to learn to like chocolates, as soon as our brain recognizes the benefit, it acquires that automatically and the brain gets hardwired to it. Phew.

Next, I googled how to beat the chocolate cravings. Tons of advice – i.e. eat a healthy sweet like fruits, talk a walk and then see if you still want one, negotiate with yourself, have a few squares (hah! We all know how’s that going to go), switch to dark. Thing is, I know all of these, but I still have chocolates in my mind. I’m not craving for anything sweet, I am particularly looking for chocolates. I don’t know what kept me going, but I survived today.

I started with Pilates too. I had my first class yesterday (Reformer Core), I liked it. I was booked for the same today but I missed it as I have to work late, and I took the Pilates SQ, it’s a step higher than the basic one to which I did fairly well, the instructor said so, that for a beginner, I was good. I like Pilates. I 've always wanted to do it for as long as I can remember, the proper ones, but it was just way too expensive for me (it still is). I have 5 trial class which the cost works ok for me, that’s why I went for it.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now and tomorrow I will brave a reconciliation with Wilma (my online consultant).

Day 73: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance. Vits taken, no DC

Mood = ok

Hunger = craving for chocolate, but not hungry for food.

Week 1: Make It or Break It

	Day 1	Day 2	Day 3	Day 4	Day 5	Day 6	Day 7
Deviation	free	free	free	free	no	no	no
Fruits	w/in allow	-1	-1	w/in allow	-1	w/in allow
Crackers	-1	-1	w/in allow	w/in allow	-1	-3
Multivitamins	2	1	1	none	none	none
Diet Soda	1.5	2	3	3	2	1
Feeling?	ok; normal, a bit hungry at 10pm	ok; normal	ok, hungry	hungry, a bit low	hungry	ok, slght hunger
Temptation	steak pot pie	lindt chocolates for the team	steak pot pie	none	pork adobo	meat meat meat
Weight	-	-	71.4	70.8	-	-

Day 1: Thou shall not give up on self

First step. Thats all there is. Just take the first step. Keep on trying.

I HOPE MY PROGRAM STILL WORKS!

Oh well, 1st day on the plan again for the nth time. I cannot even be bothered with coming up with a creative name to blog titles.

I didnt get to weigh though, bfs place doesnt have a scale. Will weigh on Day 3 and update my ticker.. Oh my word..I am so looking forward to that-- NOT! I will also take new measurements. Will continue to do yoga..

Had the usual meals. I really need to change this around. Thinking of buying this table top baking thing. I dont really need to bake muffins and all and I guess the small 1 will do. At least I can "bake"stuff somehow.

I am still not sick of cabbage and zucchini. I guess thats a good thing.

Im running out of vitamins. I guess I need to get those.

Close call this evening, bf had a steak pot pie. Smelled good, but as I recall it, it didnt taste as good as it smelled. So I said no :D

Had 2 cups of black coffee today, I hope I can get good sleep.

Day 1--> done!

Day 2: Spice up your life! :D

Damn the no spicy stuff!!! I still havent gotten over this. As part of my plan, I am not allowed spicy stuff like chili, cayenne, paprika etc and curries.

Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

There are tons of recipes which would have been lovely to substitute for my normal, and almost same old dishes, but nooooo... Im not allowed.. phewfft!!

Today was kinda hectic at work. I read a few diaries to catch up on who's on the journey, but am not ready to post again on the forum.. I just want this 14 days to be done and over with.

Its good to read the diaries, there is always that pull and strength that I feel which makes me think that I can actually do this for today. I know tomorrow is another struggle.. Heck during my good all CD times, it was a mind struggle almost everyday.  The drastic change, the tough lovin if you may, towards the 30years of bad eating habits, it is kinda jarring.

Oh well, same ol same ol.. Ive been there. As much as I cringe at the thought of re-learning my lesson, somehow I am also relieved that I know what to expect.

Day 2--> done!

Day 3: Weigh In

I weighed myself this morning 71.4kgs.. whew.. honestly i was expecting around 75-76.. but im glad that im not. I didnt get to measure though. I dont know if I should, just be lazy and watch the clothes fall off of me so I dont pressure myself much.

Same weight as in Aug 2014. Really?? But why do I feel so fat? like ugly fat? I am 5kgs lighter than when i started, that in itself is a good thing!

I adjusted my ticker to my top range goal weight which is 59kg, but my goal weight is 57kg. Thats 12-14kg away. I achieved 13.8kgs in 60days before, and Im not expecting it to be as fast this time. I will be more than happy to start refeed at -10kgs.

My program is online, and since I dont have access to support anymore I emailed them. I did get my refeed plan but did not go through it. Now, Im just feeling confused about it. I asked if I should try the exisisting plan for 2 wks if it still works, and if I can purchase a package that will allow me support access from them. And I got this reply

Thank you for your email. We are sorry for any confusion but your old diet that was based on your blood test results from February 2014. Since blood profiles keep on changing the diet is not a remedy for life but merely a personal diet for the time it was provided.

Since your blood profile has changed, that old diet is no different for you than any other "general" diet that you can copy from a magazine or find on the internet. If you wish to give Dr. Cohen's Personal Diet another chance then you need to get a new personal diet from Dr. Cohen that is based on your current blood profile.

Please use the registration form that is available on our website

Well I dont want to buy another program although I do understand that they are probably telling me whats the best way for me. I just dont want to spend that money just yet, until I see if this is working or not.

Anyhoo, today is day 3, so far so good. the struggle starts on the 4th day for me.. lets see.. I was feeling a bit of hunger today. By 4, I finished all my cracker allowance and drank 2 cans of coke zero. WAs tempted to take 1 extra cracker but controlled myself. Im just in Day 3 and have a long way to so I dont want to start from Day 1 again!

Day 3 --> done

Day 4:

Seems like my plan is still working (?) lost 600gms overnight. Can feel and see that the bloat is somehow gone. Too early to tell though.

Had a sleepless night yesterday. Relationship..rocky.. but apparently we will still keep trying..

Nothing much to report. Just really hungry..

Day 4-done

Day 5: :(

Ate pork adobo with rice with bf tonight. on the rare occassions that we cook together, the adobo seemed really yummy and felt good to share a meal with him..

jeez.. this is tougher than i bargained for

Day 6: Braai

Why to braii?

Was good during the day.. went to the beach and just lazed around, got my tan on for about 5 hours! With all the tanning oil and the 5 hr sun baking.. nobody even noticed my tan at home.. the boys were like.. "you always looked like that.. you're brown like that" hopeless..

Evening came they had one their "bruh" hahaha to sleep over .. Seems the 2 guys had a fight with this one 4months ago and were just on speaking terms now.. :D such sissies.. anyway.. so they braii'ed.

And so did I.

Day 7: Chucked it

Non Cohen day.

I am not serious as i think i am. If I were reading this diary and I am on a strict Cohen path, I will probably get tired of this blogger too.

BDay 1: Still Here

Im still here.. Still trying..  and its tough to get over the chocolate cravings..

As observed before, Im good during the day but I crash and give in by night, massively..

Now Im bloated, gained a good amount of weight in that short span of time,mostly due to the chocolates and sweets. I dont even eat outside food and when I do, I dont eat so bad or so much..

Why am I having such a tough time?!? I keep asking myself this. If I was able to do it the first time, I should be able to do this again right?

I have come up with several reasons as to why Im having such a difficult time. I am trying as much as possible to reason with my head and I refuse to accept fully, that "oh, its just hormones!"

1) Arrogance: the thought of having done it once and was successful about it, makes me think that I can do this again, anytime! "you people just watch out.. hmpf!"

2) Leniency: Im being lenient with myself, using the knowledge that the program will work once I start following it 100%. It will work, so why not eat the stuff I want today and start tomorrow.. its just 1 day....

3) "Im ok": this feel good statement.. uff.. I know I am ok, but I also know I want to be better. I am now at my somewhat "ok" / "forgivable" / "normal" size so yah... Im ok..  which leads me back to # 2.. and to make not being on plan more "reasonable", I listen to people saying that I looked "pale, too thin, skin on my face sagging" (when I was at 63kg) and that now I look "better, healthier, pleasant" despite feeling my clothes become tight on me, and my tummy is slightly protruding again!

4) Stress: I had to include this one, with the stuff thats been going on for the past few months, climaxing in June.. I bet somehow had made me lose focus on goal, and then everything snowballed from there.. Just to give you a rundown:

May

- broke up with my best friend
- went to a conference in VIE
- ruined Vienna personal trip and the stress of trying to make it work
- planning for our annual event in June-- from A-Z by myself- hotel and menu selection, entertainment, guestlist, follow-ups (with the help colleagues, thank God!), press, press kits, speech, presentation
- we were officially told about my boss and SM are being made redundant
- France trip-- the stress of it almost not happening due to flights being full and too expensive, looking for alternatives

June

- hosted our annual event
- prepared everything related to my boss leaving- farewell party, turnovers, reimbursements, movers, exit documents, family tickets, reco letters, coordination with HO- a lot of admin stuff
- farewell parties - for boss and SM- collecting money for gifts, farewell cards signed by the whole office, caterer

On top of this, I have personal issues too, that I do spend time to think about:

- job hunting- i couldnt even squeeze this in
- travelling- i want to travel more!
- financial obligations at home
- career - im at a standstill and both of my friends are flying high.. oh did i mention both are married too? I cant even begin to tell you how stressful this is.. my career and lovelife are both mediocre.. non existent..

Oh, and yesterday, I found out that I will need another root canal!! My old dentist did a botched up job with my fillings and now Im paying for it. I've gone for a full xray to see which are the problem areas as i am feeling pain on both my lower and upper teeth on the right side..  money down the drain again.. :(

Im just glad Ramadan has started. Everything slows down during this month, giving me the time to focus, and hopefully we will have lesser food in the office. But since the majority of colleagues are non-muslims, eating and drinking openly is not an issue.

Meals and vitamins taken on time, 1 DC + on antibiotics and painkillers for my tooth..

BDay 1, DV free.

ADay 5-8: Struggling

OMG.. Im struggling really hard with the detox.. the chocolate detox.. :(

Im stuck around 67-68kgs

on ADay5-7, I am good during the day and terrible in the evening. I usually end up eating chocolates alone! Well, I had Sumo delivered again on ADay5, and KFC on ADay6 and ADay 7, I had eaten a pumpkin risotto which was yum, and had a Chi-Chi drink which was wow and whew! :D

What I realized about this struggle is that it was caused by the feeling of deprivation. Its not a mind blowing discovery but more of a realistic one. "Oh.. I have to eat this <enter junk name> as much as I want now because tomorrow I will start the strict regime again", which in turn builds on the addiction and therefore making the detox process tougher. AND I can eat A LOT of chocolates until I feel sick..

Despite the realization, I still am struggling with my Day1 for 2wks. There were days when I am Cohen clean, only to break down on the next day.

ADay 7 was a clean day, but the amount of control I had to exert in the evening.. OMG..I was really itching to call for chocolates.. I mean I was really really craving that I felt that I was suffering.. Talk about withdrawal symptoms.. Which carried on ADay 8.

ADay 8 was full on chocolate cravings.. You cannot imagine! and by 6pm, I gave in. Plus I didnt have dinner packed that day and forgot that it was the Germany vs Portugal match which I watched with colleagues at a pub. So I ended up eating outside, having a normal coke (no diet or zero DC available) :(

Im not giving up though.. I will still keep on trying.. I know its a mind over matter thing.. and nobody can help me do this but myself.. I just need to pull my shit together..

Busy at work as hell..