If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.
And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.
Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?
I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?
I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!
And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.
Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.
Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.
Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying
I am tired of trying.
I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.
Such a defeatist attitude.
Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.
But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.
Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..
Im just tired of trying.
Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.
Bye.
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