Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

Day 27: This is getting ridiculous!

Hold on, this is really getting into my nerves. I woke up today and boom up 600gms?!??! what the fuck?! If its my freaking period, holy mother of whatnot why this torture>!>!!?!?!??!?!?!?

 

I woke up with the resolve that Im going to get to the bottom of this today. What the hell am I doing wrong!?!? Im just not breaking past 73kgs and its almost 2 weeks since my cheat day! 

Been going over it and maybe these are the reasons (?) aside from the cheat day on day 15:

 

1. Meal timings: 5 hour gaps kept but eating late (past 9)

 

2. Food scale: could it be? Seems like its working fine to me. How can I check it?

 

3. Weighing scale: I thought something was wrong with my scale, but I've proven that it is perfectly working (discussed below - taking proper measurements)

 

4. Coffee grounds: I got mine from Spain in May from a coffee shop (per the gram) in Las Rambla. could it?

 

5. Fruits: I'm eating one fruit under allowance, could it be? but fruits are optional right?

 

6. Water: am I drinking enough water? I don't really notice anymore

 

7. TOM: or my period is just putting everything out of whack?!?!?

 

7. Stress: at work, really? I have been under worse stress before. Maybe my body is undergoing stress during the PMS and TOM plus changes at work. I haven't been sleeping well the past few days.

 

So now.. RINSE and REPEAT!

 

1. Pre-cook a few day's meals - this time around, I cook my meals per day in the morning. Maybe the rush cooking stresses me out? Or makes me overlook some things in food measurements?

 

2. Having my crackers one at a time - maximum allowed at one go is 2 crackers which I do now per meal. It satisfies me, but maybe it doesn't work?

 

3. Eat all my allowances - hmmmm...

 

4. Eat my dinner at 9pm max - which means I have to eat my lunch and breakfast on time as well to keep the 5hour gap

 

5. Reduce stress, improve sleep - make time for YOGA (again). 

 

6. Take proper measurements - since I was doubtful of my weighing scale this morning, I decided to go for a Body Composition Analysis test this morning. So I woke up, didn't take any water or any food so I can do this right. I went there at 9am and I got my results.. WAAAAAHHHHH! My scale is right, I was hoping that it was giving me a wrong figure hahahaha..

 

7. Coffee - stick with the brand I know

 

8. Mix up portions - I just stick to the same servings and same proteins and carbs.. Maybe my body needs a change

 

So now that I have that report, I know where I stand now. I've really let my fitness go. How do I know that based on a piece of paper? I will discuss in a separate post, I'm going to take my body measurements again tomorrow (as detailed as I have been, if you want to have an idea, check my post here). This is still not as detailed as I have it, will do it on my next post.

 

Whew, so there, I've let my obsessive whatever run through.

 

Today was just ok, I am on time and on plan. A bit rushing through the day, but I'm good.

 

Maybe I should stop stressing about this.. :D

 

Day 27: deviation free, all allowances taken, vitamins too, more water today

Mood = ok. a bit stressed out with this scale thing

Hunger = none

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 52: Deprived

Is it just me?

I do feel good, look good, healthier, closer to my rebuild phase and to achieving my ideal body, light and in a better mood and all, but I do feel deprived of the delicious food. The food that I used to enjoy so much..

I sometimes resent being on this diet. That's how much deprivation I am feeling.

Then right after the resentment, I hear myself saying:

"well.. you brought this upon yourself"

... if you havent let yourself go and hogged all those junk like there's no tomorrow, there wouldnt be a need to do something this drastic..

... if you have just learned the word: moderation, then maybe you will still be having those treats every now and then and wont let you balloon up to a 100kg

"what right do you have to complain and feel deprived then? you have hogged a lifetime's worth of chocolates and junk!"

Tough love shit..

Switched my meals today, Meal 2 for breakfast, meal 3 for lunch and meal 1 for dinner. I hope this will have a positive effect on my weightloss. Forgot my 2nd vitamin today, had 1 DC and all my crackers, pear and mango for my fruit allowance.. Cooked my next 3 days worth of meals.. eventhough not in the mood for it..

Day 52, DV free