Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

Day 45: Deviation

Slept like a log. I woke up feeling that I have slept soooo well. It feels good. Woke up in time for me to make it to my doc appointment. The ENT doc sent me for a hearing test and everything almost normal. Its just that my left ear, it cant hear 1 frequency and the nerves need time to recuperate.

 

Nothing major. She gave me vit b-complex to help and advised to stop the centrum for a week while I take this. I informed my consultant about it. Hopefully it heals up soon. I have another appointment with her after 10days.

 

Got feedback from the clinic that Dr. Cohen is happy with my  lood test and that I should continue with my plan. Why do I feel like somethings not right here? Am I basing it in the slow weight loss not and comparing it to the last time? Ive got other things on my side then, age and the fact that I was fresh off from the gym so maybe that helped me with the calorie burn. Dont know...

 

I plan to use my remaining days to relax anyway so that includes my ears too. Did almost nothing today.

 

Was really craving and my tummy hurt. I started eating provitas and it all snowballed from there. Just dinner time onwards. Disapointing. Very bloated.

 

I need to reign this in and I need to keep myself busy.

 

Day 45: deviation. All allowances taken.
Mood = ok
Hunger = yes. Probably because im not busy

Day 43-44: Going through the motions

My 9 day off has started and I think Im doing pretty well in 'squandering' it :D

 

Day 43: Went to see a GP (just coz I cant get an appointment with the ENT) because my left ear still feels blocked from that clubbing night I went to 2 thursdays ago! GP said I should book an appointment with an ENT doc to get ears cleaned and properly checked bec from her point of view nothing really wrong. Got an appointment on Day 45 morning.

 

Nothing much today, just did that, watched tv, ate all meals on time. I just had mangoes today for fruits hmmm.. love them mangoes.

 

Day 43: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = ok5
Hunger = none

 

Day 44: I scheduled a spa day for me and the bf as my treat for having a new job. I have a buy1 get1 voucher for this place so it didnt really coat me as much. We had access to the pool, gym and other spa facilities followed by a 90min massage. We started the day late, so we reached at noon and it was too hot to be on the pool. So plan b was we started the massage early and then movies afterwards.

My masaage was great! I tried not to sleep but i kept dozing off. I cant say the same for my bf, he said his therapist was average. He said at one point I was snoring!!! :D

 

But after the massage, I was so hungry. This is typical of me, i really am hungry after a massage. I ate my lunch but still hungry and craving! I almost gave in to the caramel popcorn.. i really did want to have it. But I just kept telling myself of the effort I've put into this and I didnt have any.

Braai night. I had a portion of bf's t-bone a bit over allowance. I was so hungry I didnt even check the time. I ate my dinner after 4 hours from my last meal! I thought it was 9pm. I already had food in my mouth when I checked the time! So I just kept eating. Deviation right there. I had 3 DCs today too.

 

Talk about getting by.

 

Day 44: deviation- less than 5hrs between meals. 1 fruit under allowance
Mood = relaxed. Good
Hunger = really hungry and craving

Day 42: The very long weekend has arrived!

And along with it, my last day here with my temp boss! Whooohooo! Well I still have to sit here in this department until next week but that will just be on Wed - Thurs. Then Im off to my actual office location :)

I have 9 days off! whoohoo and I have absolutely no plan. Well not absolutely but nothing like a holiday planned. Just gonna chill at home, be relaxed, do nothing, read, yoga, beach, massage, home scrubs, clean, sit, do nothing! :D

Shopped for tuna and some veggies for a change. Feeling bored with chicken, beef and spinach. Both myself that philadelphia fat free cream cheese just to try. It will be the first time that I will have cheese since I started.

Indulged a bit today. Had a full mango for dinner and had mayo for the 1st time. 

Day 42: deviation free. All allowances taken. Out of vits

Mood = good

Hunger = a bit
 

Day 40-41: Stressed

I feel really stressed for the past few days, I can feel it in my gut. Acidic. Or am I having too much coffee? I only have 1 really black coffee in a day on an empty stomach. I used to drink more.

 

The work load is coming, and I am foreseeing that I will soon feel that I'm not being paid enough for this. I have no problem with the workload, its fine, but the people, so toxic, not only my temp boss, but from others as well. I guess they are stressed too.

 

I need to find a way to relax myself. I want to stay positive and optimistic. I want these qualities to prevail over others. I don't want to be one of those people who are stressed, overworked and becomes a bitch. Because it tires you out. I feel tired after being angry or mean at people on a continuous basis.

 

Is this why the scale is not moving? Nah. Its been 2 weeks since Im in the 71kg area. I already asked my consultant about this. Im really getting fed up.

 

I cant wait for the long weekend. I want to switch off or just be at home and be quiet and maybe meet with a few friends on one of those days. But for my benefit, I will also try to work so that Im not left behind nor bogged down with emails when we are all back. These people work non-stop.

Other than that, same old same old. Same food, same routine, same thing about no movement in the scales. Im tired of it. Woke up this morning not wanting to weigh anymore because I keep seeing the same frustrating number.

Not going to check the scales anymore.

Day 40-41: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = im ok, just workload makes me moody
Hunger = none.

 

Day 39: More old clothes to wear!

Did she really say that?

I'm finding more clothes that fit me better in my closet! :D Too bad I remove tags out because they annoy me, because now, I don't know what size I'm wearing. Work slacks, almost all are loose me. I think its just a matter of days before they wont look good on me anymore.

I was driving to work and I can feel that the blouse I was wearing that I could barely fit into a month before, was fitting me nicely. No struggle or squished parts. It felt nice and I was thinking about how good it is to feel this way. To feel like your in the top of your game (nutrition-wise), that you feel more comfortable about your body and that finally, you cant complain about this anymore!!!!! :D

In other news, I think I'm going to have a 10 day holiday for Eid and I'm just contemplating if I should travel or not. I don't want to waste that time by doing nothing and staying here, but at the same time, I don't want to possibly risk losing momentum. The best thing to do is stay and avoid the risk of spiraling out of control. I will have the same holidays next year. But the effort I've put in, its too much to lose. Hmmmm..

Again, the scale sucks. I don't want to look at it anymore :'(

Submitted my 2nd blood test today. Let's see what Wilma will say about that.

Nothing to report much. Same old. Still no announcement for our holidays. Worked so late that I was able to eat at 11pm.

Day 39: dinner at 11. all allowances taken. vits too.

Mood = ok

Hunger = none

Day 38: Bothered

I still don't get it. Why is my weight fluctuating? Its just playing between the same weight for 4days? I feel that am dropping size though. Its just that this programme measures your success predominantly on weight loss and that's really bothersome.

I know Im not supposed to weigh everyday, but I need that boost to know that hey, Im doing something right. But from the looks of it, Im doing something wrong? Could be my scale has a problem? But I tried it in 3 different locations in the house, its fine. I don't know. I live in a "container", you know those portacabins, so maybe our flooring is not level?

It feels so odd, that I see the difference in size yet the weight is really not going south.

Bothered.

I can feel like this and still have to continue with it. There's no way to go about it. I have set a goal and at this rate, Im not going to make it on time. I'm aware my body will lose what it needs to lose at its own time. But it has to happen by end of November (refeed), otherwise I stand a huge risk of falling off due to the holidays, and again not finishing this. Scares the shiz out of me.

Well enough of that. Need to shift focus.

Long weekend is coming up! whoop whoop! and Im not going anywhere, not travelling, no staycations, just at home. I don't want to spend and I don't want to break my diet. I can travel next year. I miss travelling though :( really bad. 

Today was pretty stressful. Boss was just in a seriously foul mood today, I tried to steee clear of her. Felt that acidity in my tummy that you get when you are stressed. I refuse to accept its too much coffee.

Day 38: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance

Mood = so-so. Did not sleep well yesterday

Hunger = none. Just looked forward to a mango for dinner.

Day 37: Im Zoning!

Today is another good day. I love saying that! :D I met with my previous colleagues from my first job here. We were a small team and after 2 years, we are all working in different companies. And with the looks of it, we are all in a good place now (work-wise). It was a lovely time. It was breakfast and they ordered nice stuff and dessert!(brownies and vanilla ice cream! My soul!) Im a breakfast person, I think its my favorite meal outside. I really eat loads of breakfast items - eggs, pancakes, sausages, bacon (heaps!!!), bread and butter.. its my favorite meal out (did i say that?) :D But anyway, I just had 2 cups of black coffee and enjoyed the chat.

 

1 lady there, i worked with her until my recent move and as we walked out the venue I told her Im back on this diet. She saw me struggle to get back on so many times before and I told her now this time it was different. And I just blurted out "It feels so so good!" She was like, "Really?" "Its not just the weightloss part but I do really feel good somehow." And then she continued to mention that my weightloss is noticeable and that I really look nice at this size, looking happy and healthy. Told her that I also dont feel hungry most of the time now. Just missing taste of the food that I used to eat, but hunger wise, none.

 

Food is our medicine right? Do people really pay for medication to achieve this good emotional state that Im experiencing now? I hope more people knew about this!

 

The change with the scale is still slow, but Im really dropping in size. I wore a 3/4 khaki pants today and it was lose on me. And Ive had this since 2004! Imagine that!? Love it

 

I think this is one of the reasons why I kept trying to get back on the bus in spite of the many failures and dissapointments. Because I have experienced the other benefits aside from weightloss. I cant put a price on the "feeling good" feeling. I feel positive and just light. Amazing what food can do to our overall well-being.

 

Afterwards went out for movies with bf and thr popcorn doesnt bother me anymore. Later, we did some major grocery shopping (the rotisserie chicken smell was drool worthy!). Was tired from walking around. Im ready for this week with my proteins, veggies and fruits.

 

Saturday, rugby night. Wanted to braai but we were both tired. So had my dinner on time.. a PAM stir-fry of everything! :D

 

Day 37: deviation free. All allowances taken
Mood = Good good..
Hunger = None

Day 35-36: Feeling good

Oh my goodness what a week. Really hectic at work. Im learning a lot on the field I want to be in but I have to think this through.

Im really fascinated about my temp boss. Why is she like the way she is and how did she become that way? She is brilliant and at the same time toxic. Is she really all what I think she is? Nevertheless I could learn more than thing or 2 from her. I still cant wait to start with my actual boss, Im sure that will be a challenge as well.

Went to the club after work. I havent been in ages! Had my dinner and ate that and just had DC in the club. I was partially deaf when I left that place. Im too old for that shiz.

Slept a lot on Day 36. I didnt feel hungry at all the whole day. I felt eating was a task that and I could have gone more than 5 hours without a meal. I just wanted to sleep.

All is well and I think Im back in the Zone.

Day 35-36: deviation free. Fruit under allowance. Didnt take my vits on both days because I forgot them
Mood=good
Hunger=none