Day 73: Time spent but not wasted

Or is it?

It’s been two weeks since I wrote and I think it has been almost a month that I’ve been struggling to be deviation free. There were days that I was good but yet I failed in the evenings and there were other days that I wasn’t on plan at all, whether it’s not eating at all then having whatever is available to totally eating out of plan.

Anyway, today marks the first day of being deviation free. I thought of continuing the number of days because this time I think I’m just going to go ahead with it, than “starting over” on e-paper (mind tricks eh?).

I mostly occupy my free time (morning and evening drives) listening to a book called the Values Factor by John Demartini. Very insightful, a lot of aha moments, and a lot of work in order to get your values and priorities sorted and aligned in all aspects. I’m just listening to it, I haven’t done all exercises, because this will need some time. It’s like a proper course! :D But given that I haven’t done any of the work yet, I have learned so much already.

I don’t know what else to say. I have wasted my time in terms of reaching goal, but not really much so. I had a life going on – meeting with friends, going out with my bf, networking. It’s not all bad. It is bad for Cohen goal but I have to see the positives of it than beating myself up over it. I’m tired of that.

Today wasn’t particularly easy, I was craving for chocolates like anything. I don’t understand it. I had to google why and it all has to do with the rewards mechanism that we have in our brains, as eating delicious chocolates that releases the happy hormone dopamine. I also found out that we didn’t have to learn to like chocolates, as soon as our brain recognizes the benefit, it acquires that automatically and the brain gets hardwired to it. Phew.

Next, I googled how to beat the chocolate cravings. Tons of advice – i.e. eat a healthy sweet like fruits, talk a walk and then see if you still want one, negotiate with yourself, have a few squares (hah! We all know how’s that going to go), switch to dark. Thing is, I know all of these, but I still have chocolates in my mind. I’m not craving for anything sweet, I am particularly looking for chocolates. I don’t know what kept me going, but I survived today.

I started with Pilates too. I had my first class yesterday (Reformer Core), I liked it. I was booked for the same today but I missed it as I have to work late, and I took the Pilates SQ, it’s a step higher than the basic one to which I did fairly well, the instructor said so, that for a beginner, I was good. I like Pilates. I 've always wanted to do it for as long as I can remember, the proper ones, but it was just way too expensive for me (it still is). I have 5 trial class which the cost works ok for me, that’s why I went for it.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now and tomorrow I will brave a reconciliation with Wilma (my online consultant).

Day 73: deviation free. 1 cracker under allowance. Vits taken, no DC

Mood = ok

Hunger = craving for chocolate, but not hungry for food.

Day 59: Internal struggles and the shittiest mood ever

If you dont want negativity to your day, skip this post.

And in honor of duality, I am going to rant. I reckon Ive raved about being in zone, this legitimate feeling deserves space too.

Why the hell does it have to be me? Why do I have to keep trying, most probably for the rest of my life to watch what I eat? Be in control? Select specific foods that are not necessarily tasty nor convenient? Why me?

I know I musnt play the victim blah blah blah or its not the situation but its how I react to it blee blah bloop.. But why do I have to be the one to do this?! Its not as if I could eat what I wanted when I was younger and stay slim and now that Im older I cant really get away with it anymore. No. I have been chubby all my life. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I hit 18 becuase I was made conscious. Why?

I know its all for me blah blah blah. I know i chose to "lose the weight" but why cant I be free of this?!

And if I succeed i would still have to take EXTRAordinary care so that i dont gain it back.

Is this negative feeling due to the deviations I have been indulging in? This shitty, crappy, sad, feeling low mood im feeling due to the food im eating?! Here we go again, DUALITY. Food can be good or bad for you. Both at a COST.

Arrrrgh. Why cant I be one of those who can eat all or anything they want and still have a flat tummy? Non-flabby arms, no bloating (honestly i know someone who is like is right now) just eat. Im not referring to stuffing your face like a pic, but enjoy a buttered sandwhich (1 or 2) without feeling guilty about it. Or have a 2nd helping of the food you liked. No. I have to keep watching it.

Its cruel really. Its not fair. Im tired of trying

I am tired of trying.

I ask myself why am I doing this? Everyone says I look nice and proportioned, that I look ok. But people this is me trying hard!(not hard enough) and Im just 35 and havent had child yet!! Im afraid to think of how I would look like once I get to have a child.

Such a defeatist attitude.

Why do I have to be the one to deal with it?! Some would tell me- then dont! Leave it. If you dont feel like doing it and u are not happy then dont do it.

But why am I doing this? Why do i keep doing this? Because Im vain. Not because I want other people to like me, compliment me but I want to feel happy with the way I look! I want to be able to wear what I want to wear. I dont ever want to feel bloated anymore.

Shallow reasons I know. But i dont know..

Im just tired of trying.

Today is another day. I go play with my cat now and count my blessings.

Bye.

Day 45: Deviation

Slept like a log. I woke up feeling that I have slept soooo well. It feels good. Woke up in time for me to make it to my doc appointment. The ENT doc sent me for a hearing test and everything almost normal. Its just that my left ear, it cant hear 1 frequency and the nerves need time to recuperate.

 

Nothing major. She gave me vit b-complex to help and advised to stop the centrum for a week while I take this. I informed my consultant about it. Hopefully it heals up soon. I have another appointment with her after 10days.

 

Got feedback from the clinic that Dr. Cohen is happy with my  lood test and that I should continue with my plan. Why do I feel like somethings not right here? Am I basing it in the slow weight loss not and comparing it to the last time? Ive got other things on my side then, age and the fact that I was fresh off from the gym so maybe that helped me with the calorie burn. Dont know...

 

I plan to use my remaining days to relax anyway so that includes my ears too. Did almost nothing today.

 

Was really craving and my tummy hurt. I started eating provitas and it all snowballed from there. Just dinner time onwards. Disapointing. Very bloated.

 

I need to reign this in and I need to keep myself busy.

 

Day 45: deviation. All allowances taken.
Mood = ok
Hunger = yes. Probably because im not busy

Day 43-44: Going through the motions

My 9 day off has started and I think Im doing pretty well in 'squandering' it :D

 

Day 43: Went to see a GP (just coz I cant get an appointment with the ENT) because my left ear still feels blocked from that clubbing night I went to 2 thursdays ago! GP said I should book an appointment with an ENT doc to get ears cleaned and properly checked bec from her point of view nothing really wrong. Got an appointment on Day 45 morning.

 

Nothing much today, just did that, watched tv, ate all meals on time. I just had mangoes today for fruits hmmm.. love them mangoes.

 

Day 43: deviation free, all allowances taken, vits too.
Mood = ok5
Hunger = none

 

Day 44: I scheduled a spa day for me and the bf as my treat for having a new job. I have a buy1 get1 voucher for this place so it didnt really coat me as much. We had access to the pool, gym and other spa facilities followed by a 90min massage. We started the day late, so we reached at noon and it was too hot to be on the pool. So plan b was we started the massage early and then movies afterwards.

My masaage was great! I tried not to sleep but i kept dozing off. I cant say the same for my bf, he said his therapist was average. He said at one point I was snoring!!! :D

 

But after the massage, I was so hungry. This is typical of me, i really am hungry after a massage. I ate my lunch but still hungry and craving! I almost gave in to the caramel popcorn.. i really did want to have it. But I just kept telling myself of the effort I've put into this and I didnt have any.

Braai night. I had a portion of bf's t-bone a bit over allowance. I was so hungry I didnt even check the time. I ate my dinner after 4 hours from my last meal! I thought it was 9pm. I already had food in my mouth when I checked the time! So I just kept eating. Deviation right there. I had 3 DCs today too.

 

Talk about getting by.

 

Day 44: deviation- less than 5hrs between meals. 1 fruit under allowance
Mood = relaxed. Good
Hunger = really hungry and craving

Day 42: The very long weekend has arrived!

And along with it, my last day here with my temp boss! Whooohooo! Well I still have to sit here in this department until next week but that will just be on Wed - Thurs. Then Im off to my actual office location :)

I have 9 days off! whoohoo and I have absolutely no plan. Well not absolutely but nothing like a holiday planned. Just gonna chill at home, be relaxed, do nothing, read, yoga, beach, massage, home scrubs, clean, sit, do nothing! :D

Shopped for tuna and some veggies for a change. Feeling bored with chicken, beef and spinach. Both myself that philadelphia fat free cream cheese just to try. It will be the first time that I will have cheese since I started.

Indulged a bit today. Had a full mango for dinner and had mayo for the 1st time. 

Day 42: deviation free. All allowances taken. Out of vits

Mood = good

Hunger = a bit