Paralyzed

I've been going about this diet for the past 4 months and I cant seem to get back on the bus. Is it really because:

1) I dont want it enough?
2) Im procrastinating?
3) Im rebelling against the rigidity of this plan? -- I found myself saying this several times "fuck it! im gonna have that ice cream / chocolate / normal people lunch. This is too difficult!!!!"
4) I AM BEING A BIG BABY

I am overthinking this that I am getting desperate, dissapointed, angry, and discouraged with myself. To top that off, I dont like what I see in the mirror everyday.

I want to do so many things with myself that I am drowing with my own confusion.

I know the answer:

Streamline
Prioritize
Focus

But how?? Its so frustrating man! I learned this in business school, and yet and behaving like a dumbass!

Whew, a lot of negative self talk right there..

I spoke to a friend, and he also got irritated that he said, take all of that, put it in a room, lock it there, and think or do other things. Distract yourself!

I am a very multi-tasker but right now.. I feel stunned

EDay 6-9: Pot of confusion

EDay 5-6: DV free
EDay 7: Went out with friends.. boom. fell off the wagon
EDay 8: Totally off the bus..

too numb to write right now..

that doesnt mean I am stopping. Im just gonna do a self check and re align my relevant W's (why, what, when, which, etc)

I was also approached to join a 60day fitness challenge. So I am rethinking my game plan.. The challenge is so tempting (the [grueling] physical aspect at the end ).. not to mention the grand prize.

question is: will I do it? bec it was proven that I was able to do these:

Eat Clean
Train Dirty

but separately.. there is no question if I CAN, but it is the WILL to do both TOGETHER

the trainer who approached me to join had seen me when I was at 102kgs, when I first started at the gym and he has seen my progress.. on how I toughed it out until I became a hard core gym junkie (which he did not approve of)

and he saw me lose all the weight with just the diet.

he is now asking, why not try combine both, NOW? am I really the "all or nothing" type? he said I should change that now real quick bec this is not feasible in the long run..

lots of thoughts in my head right now.. internalizations..

dooodeeeddooooo...

EDay 5: Still Hungry

Argghhhhhh! I miss them sweets!!! -- the lingering thought I had throughout the day...

Last day of the working week! Im excited.. well excited because it is the weekend but at the same time a little bit worried. Just a tad. I know I can do this, but the call of food was strong yesterday and it was a close call.

Im done with meds, but I still have a cold. Its not getting better.. Im a bit worried. It could be allergies? What is going on? Im going to the doc soon to get this checked.. just not this weekend!

:D

Hmm..

EDay 5: DV free.

EDay 4: Hungry

Woke up.. glad the scale has moved down.. -400gms

I will stop updating now. I used to update every 7days, so Im going to do just that. But I guess my first week wouldnt show much.. I guess its the meds..

Today was pretty hectic.. But I felt a crash around afternoon, I felt hungry. I wanted to have those polvorons.. anything! I tried all the advices on the forum-- drink more water, have tea, get busy, more water and I did so, with a minor argument going on inside my head about deviating or not deviating

Me: 1 polvoron.. how could it hurt?
Me: Arghhh! you know you cant just have 1 polvoron!! you know it!! And then 3 days will be wasted

It went on for some time, and before I knew it, its time to leave for my last swimming class. I need to start practicing after this.

Weekend is yet to come.. lets see then.

All meals taken on time, 1 fruit, vitamins and crackers too. 1 DC

EDay 4: DV free.

EDay 3: Eh?

Woke up, and gained +200gms

Why? No deviations whatsoever... Could it be:

1) the saltiness of my meals the past 2 days?
2) the medicines Im taking-- Augmentin, Neomol, Clarinase?
3) food measurements off? maybe??

What is it?!  I am at 73 now.. I feel kind bloated... or was it my imagination?

Fck it! I am still going to be on EP! Which reminds me, I need to shop.. I didnt even have eggs for this morning, had to fall back on the low fat yogurt.

Met with a friend for a DC.. haha I had a DC, she had her pulled pork for dinner and 2 beers. Had my dinner around 10:30

All meals taken on time, vitamins, fruits and crackers too. 3DCs

EDay 3: DV free

EDay 2: Holey Moley..

Ok.. today was... ugh!

 

There was a birthday celebrant in the office and she had her carrot cake for everyone around 10:30 in the morning.. on top of that, she pulled out, 2 big bowls of lindt choco balls!!!

 

I bravely said "No thank you." but  my head was saying: "kill me.. kill me now!"

 

I took a few of those chocolates for the bf. Seriously.. how tough am I? hahahaha

 

Around 12pm, I realize.. dang! Oktoberfest is coming up.. and I realized I will be around 3 wks in if I keep this up.. Office will be having hosted events, similar to the Maifest ones I organized for our agents.

 

Will I be as strong enough then?

 

Then at 2pm, I realized.. dang! If I do this straight, I figured it will take 2 months to lose the weight that I have to lose and that will be exactly 7days away from my next trip.. And this trip is a trip back home.  Itinerary is not final yet, but what I know is that I have 2 clubbing nights, 1 hen's night and 1 wedding to attend to.

 

Should I start refeed earlier so I dont sabotage this???

Im getting ahead of myself and I am not even over the 10day detox period. Or the 1st wkend challenge.

 

At 5pm, colleague came in and distributed chocolate muffins for everyone. Took 2, to be given to the bf. This is not good... for him :D

 

Hmmm..

 

Today was alright. Had to endure the popcorn and nacho smell as I watched Maze Runner..

 

All meals taken on time (well dinner at 10), vitamins, fruits and crackers too. 2DCs.

 

EDay 2: DV free.

EDay1: Rinse and Repeat

from a happy bunny to a silly rabbit.. :(

Hola! This is getting silly.. 5th attempt.. whew.

I was not able to keep on the diet whilst on the trip, but man did I move a lot. We walked and walked, hiked and biked for almost a day. The weather was excellent!! sunny with a cool breeze.

When i came back to the desert, I got sick, but still went on with all the social plans and worked as Im supposed to be. I did not get any better. So I decided on Wednesday to just take the day off and try to recuperate somehow. Didnt happen,  I got more sick that I had to take an off on Thursday and see the doctor. Right now, Im on a 7 day medication - antibiotics, paracetamols, anti allergy.


I am back to work on Sunday though, and back on my day 1

Here I go..

EDay 1:

Somebody told me about this before, when I failed my third attempt:

"Rinse and repeat ma'am.. rinse and repeat."

So here I am, not stopping. But its kinda getting silly and not to mention tiring. But whose fault is that?

The day went well, I was so busy that I was not even able to finish my cracker and fruit allowance. However, I think my meals are too salty. Hmmm.

I still have the sniffles, still on medication, voice still sound a bit sick, but Im definitely better.

All meals taken on time, vitamins too. Crackers, 1 fruit, 1 DC. 1 hour swimming class today.

Eday 1: DV free