Its been so hectic that I surely was not able to even think of preparing meals to maintain this. Shows that I wasnt ready for the life after Cohen's. I travelled for weeks; people came to visit Dubai- took them out, drove them around, slept late with all the chatting, Christmas eve dinners, new years eve camping; birthdays; date nights;-- been too social and active that I didnt even pass by the grocery to shop for food. My fridge has been literally empty since 28 Nov- 10 Jan 2015, well not really. I had 2 year old bottle of white wine and a pack of Philadephia Fat Free Cream Cheese.
I didnt even open the forum. It could be that I was scared to see that I am so far behind or that I dont want to feel any worse by not being able to finish what I started. I actually am scared now to fail again that I hesitated to post this in the forum. My mind is in this contradiction between shame and the fact that I know that it helps to post here. I dont even know how many rounds it is for me.
There were stresses as well. My relationship with the bf is just rocky and Im not feeling any better about it. Makes me wonder why Im even in it at all. He is an overall nice bloke, but everything in me says there is something not right about us. Yet, I am still not dismissing the potential of this relationship and I wonder why. Im tired somehow. Im just thinking why am I feeling all the negative feelings when I am in a new, committed relationship?? Instead of feeling inspired, happy and secure, somehow I feel the opposite. Sometimes I think Im overthinking this. Fuck this. This all together is a long story.
At work, some clarifty only came about on 31 Dec 2014. At least now I know what I will be doing with the new work set-up. But more waiting is there. I havent seen my JD yet nor am I aware of the changes in my work package. All I know is that I will be moving to a new contract with the company who bought us out.
Financially, Im also struggling. Big time. Lets leave it at that.
All in all, just makes me wonder why the hell being an adult is so difficult?
On top of this, there are the wants-- wanting to travel, wanting to buy stuff, wanting to save. How to combine all this??
Breathe... its all just starting.
Im glad I wrote though. Need to streamline goals for the year. Ive been living my life with vague goals. Somehow making it easy on myself, therefore not really achieving anything. dont get me wrong, my life is pretty good with just "winging" it. But it could be better right? It can always be better. I can always stive for constant improvement.
But first off, it is a shame that it is almost a year since I started Cohens, and I AM BACK to my starting weight. My old clothes still feel a tinie bit loose on me so I guess Im not actually back to that weight yet, but Im a hop, skip and away.
I started 01Mar2014. That's 49 days from now (11 Jan 2015). I will be writing on the 1st 14days here on my blog. Just 1 entry to keep updating everyday. Small goals. I just want to get through the 1st 14 days dammit!
Maybe this is what I needed, the desperation to get there! As they say, you must want it really bad. whew..
I need to get this done. Im not getting any younger. Jeez.
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